


Nobody said it was easy...

by Misuntitled



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-14
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 14:29:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3176072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misuntitled/pseuds/Misuntitled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you come home you find your mother's dead body. Your mother was killed by an incredibly strong man (it was a vampire as you were told later). You didn't believe in supernatural creatures or monsters at first. However, you get to know Sam and Dean and soon you are good friends and you live in the bunker together. You want to be a hunter, too. You want to save people like they do.<br/>Sooner or later you have to admit that you may have a little (or quite big) crush on the older Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The last day in your hometown

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my mother tongue so I may make some mistakes ;-) hope you enjoy it though

As you look on the clock, you realize that you are already late. You toss everything you need for the training into your bag and run downstairs as fast as possible. You hate it when the other's have to wait for you.

“Mom, I go now.” You shout while running. Most of the time you are a little late. Even if you try to be somewhere in time, you hardly manage it. However, you are always very sorry when you’re late.

“Where are you going, darling?” your mother shouts.

“I have Karate like every Friday evening.” You answer.

“Okay, be careful and have fun.”

“Sure. Bye.” You shout and shut the door closed.

 

You sigh “I wish I had more time on my own. Just one day without her caring about me.”

“Be careful and have fun.” You mutter while walking. It’s a strange combination which really doesn’t work the way you want it to. Your mother is always caring. Sometimes it’s really annoying because you can’t go out like your friends. She always says that it’s too dangerous for a young lady to go out alone. You are already in the early twenties but since your father left the two of you, you are everything your mother has. She’s definitely afraid of losing you, so you accept her fears. You don’t want to let her alone and you don’t want her to worry about you. Therefore, you are most of the time at home with her. Actually, every time when you are not at school and not at your training.

 

Karate is your passion. You love the fact that people learn how to defend themselves without using any weapon. When you were younger you didn’t like sports but you adored the movie “Karate kid”. You were so fascinated by the boys and their skills. You wanted to try it and had to realize that it’s not so easy.

Anyway, you are not the type of person that gives up. Your mother could barely afford your Karate lessons. If you had quit after your first few failures she may was deceived. You carried on and now you are very good at it and you really like it. You don’t want to brag about your Karate skills but you are really good.

 

A few minutes later you are at the gymnasium. “Hello, ____.” Vicky shouts and runs over to you. “I thought you won’t come today. We already started with the training. I’m glad to see you.” She hugs you tightly and you feel slightly uncomfortable. You never know what you should say or do when people hug you. Vicky is very sweet and nice but she talks so much. That’s exhausting and sometimes annoying.

 

You toss your bag on the floor next to your jacket and shoes. Then, you join the others, who already started with the warm-up. Your training is always hard but you need it to let off steam. You feel great when you are sweating and breathing hard. It sounds so strange but it’s kind of relaxing.

Two hours later you feel happy and tired at once. You head for the shower to wash all the sweat away. The relatively cold water is streaming down your body. You imagine that it takes away your sorrow and you close your eyes for a few seconds.

“____? Can I come in? I need to shower, too.” Vicky says as she knocks on the door.

You open your eyes and shout back “Just a second”. You reach for a towel to cover yourself and yell “I’m ready.” Vicky comes in and you put your clothes on as fast as possible. You always feel curious when someone else is naked and talks to you. Even if it’s just Vicky. It’s always a little awkward. You never know what to say or do.

“Sorry, I have to go now. Mum’s waiting.” You say and leave her alone. You walk quickly to be home within a few minutes. You put your headphones on to listen to one of your favourite songs. “My songs know what you did in the dark” by fall out boy. It’s one of the few songs you could listen on repeat without getting bored. While listening you sing along:

 

_Be careful making wishes in the dark_   
_Can't be sure when they've hit their mark_   
_And besides in the meantime I'm just dreaming of tearing you apart_   
_I'm in the details with the devil_   
_So now the world can never get me on my level_   
_I just got to get you out of the cage_   
_I'm a young lovers rage_   
_Gonna need a spark to ignite_   
_My songs know what you did in the dark_

 

You look for your key until you realize that the door is already open. You abruptly stop singing. Why is the door open? You remember that you closed it. Maybe your mum’s still awake.

“Mum?” you ask as you step in. You can’t see clearly because it’s so dark. You put your earphones and ipod into your pocket. You repeat louder “Mum?”.

No answer...

You reach for the light switch. The light jitters and you are shocked as you can see the hall. Everywhere is blood! Fresh blood! Everything’s destroyed. You are in the middle of this mess and can’t believe it. Tears are streaming down your face “Mum!!! Mum where are you??!!” you shout loudly and desperately. You can’t help but sink to the floor. You try to find a reason why everything is so destroyed and why everything’s covered with blood. Maybe it’s just paint. Of course you know that it’s blood but you don’t want to believe the obvious truth. Why doesn’t your mother answer? It must be someone else’s blood! It can’t be hers.

You pull yourself together and stand up again. You need to breathe slower and calm down. You need to have the control over the situation. You try to tell yourself that you’re strong and you don’t need anyone’s help. You open the door to the kitchen, the living room and the bathroom. Everything seems normal. Nothing is destroyed and fortunately there’s no blood. At least that’s one good thing.

 

With every step you take you hope that your mother’s just lying in bed, sleeping.

"Everything’s okay. Everything is fine." You repeat this two sentences a few times. Then, you open the door to your mother’s sleeping room and light comes creeping in. It’s worse than your worst nightmare! Your mother’s lying on the floor, surrounded by blood. You have never seen so much blood! She has numerous wounds and blood soaked clothes.

“Mum!” you shout and run to her. You kneel next to her, reach for her hand and squeeze it. No reaction. Once again tears are streaming down your face. This time you can’t pull yourself together. You must be sleeping! This has to be a nightmare! But you can’t wake up. You are still holding her hand. This is no dream! No matter how hard you try to wake up and no matter how loud you are praying that it was just a dream... There’s so much blood that you don’t have to test her pulse. She is dead. But why? Who did this to her?

 

You are crying, sobbing and thinking at the same time. You see everything blurred because your eyes are filled with tears.

Suddenly you hear a voice, saying “You must be his daughter.”

You are shocked and turn around to face the person who said this. You can see a man leaning against the wall. He has blood around his mouth and on his hands. Your mother’s blood.

“What did you do?!” you yell furiously. Your sadness turns into pure anger and without thinking you attack the man. You do Karate so it won’t be a problem to hurt him... At least you thought this...

 

 

 

Meanwhile in the bunker:

 

Dean’s phone is ringing a few times...

“Why don’t you answer it?” Cas asks a little confused. Sam, Dean and Cas are all sitting at the table doing some research. They spent the whole day doing research.

“He’s afraid that it’s the girl he took home last night.” Sam chuckles and stands up to go get some beer.

“Do you want some, too?” Sam asks Dean. Dean nods in response.

As his phone rings again, Sam says angrily “Answer it! I can’t stand that sound anymore. Answer it or I’ll throw it away.”

“Calm down.” Dean says and does as he's told.

 

He’s talking for a few minutes. He changes the look in his face various times during this conversation... Until he hangs up again, saying “We have a case. It’s urgent. Pack your things. We’ll leave in ten minutes. I’ll tell you everything when we’re in the car.” Dean says and leaves a stumped Sam.

"Is this a joke I don't get?" Sam asks Cas, smiling. Sam knows that it wasn't but he was surprised. Who was the person, calling Dean? Which case? Where?...

 

A few minutes later, Dean and Sam are sitting in the Impala. Normally they plan everything before they go on a hunt. However, this time it’s a little different. In the car there's complete silence. Not even the radio is on like usually...

After a little while Sam breaks the silence, asking “What are we hunting?”

“Vampires.” Dean answers. His eyes are fixed on the street and he seems to drive faster and faster.

“Why did we leave so abruptly? Where are we even going?”

“Do you remember George Bolt?”

“The hunter? He was one of dad’s friends. But why do you ask me this?” Sam asks totally confused.

“George asked for help. He hunted a group of vampires and killed all but one. The vampire that escaped said he would kill George’s family. He has a wife and a daughter in a town near us and asked us if we could help before it’s too late.”

“Okay.” Sam says. A vampire said that he will avenge the death of his family. It’s a normal day for a hunter...

Sam doesn't dare to ask another question. So the car is filled with silence again.

 

“We are already in the right town. Now we should find the house.” Dean says. The drive was relatively short. Just like Dean promised.

“Fine.” Sam says, looking out through the window. “Hey! I can remember this school. I went there for quite a while.” His face lights up and he seems really happy for a short moment.

Dean just grins.

Then, he parks the car in front of a house. It was your house.

“The entry door is open.” Sam says as they step in.

 

They are also a little shocked as they see all the blood and destroyed things. As fast as possible they search through the first floor until they continue upstairs. As they open the door to your mother’s sleeping room they just see you fighting with the man. Only Sam and Dean know that it’s a vampire and no man. You don’t. You think that he’s just incredibly strong.

 

You are attacking him with everything you learned during your Karate lesson. Anyway, it turns out to be helpless.

The man throws you through the whole room without any effort. You land somewhere on the floor. Your back aches terribly but you won’t give up.

You want to attack the vampire once more. But two other men are now in the room. Who are they? Now, the three of you are attacking the man/vampire. You are the only one who doesn’t use any weapon. You are sure you could win the fight. You are very good at Karate. You know how to defend yourself...

However, you have never fought against any monster. When he throws you against your mother’s bedside table you have to admit that the person you are fighting against is much stronger than you. The other thing you realize is that your head crashed against the lamp and blood dampens your hair. You try to stand up but you can’t. You are too weak. Everything around you gets blurred and your eyes close. You just feel the warm blood streaming down your head, face and body until you are unconscious. You don’t want this to happen but you can’t resist.

 

Dean sees you lying there without moving. He runs over to you to check if you are alive. You are losing much blood while Sam is occupied with fighting.

“See you again, next time.” The vampire shouts and manages to escape through the window. He lands surely on a balcony and jumps down. He doesn’t get hurt. He doesn’t even have scratches. Sam would never forget the mischievous grin the vampire has as he looks at him, before the vampire finally leaves.

“Damn!” Sam shouts frustrated and walks over to Dean and you.

 

The look in Sam’s face changes. First he was doing his job and seemed numb. Now, he looks touched and worried.

As Dean recognizes it, he’s a little confused. He never saw his brother this way. They are doing their job. Situation like this should be normal for Sam.

“I know her. It’s ______.” Sam said a few seconds later. “She was in the same school as I. I was sixteen and I really liked her. We were friends.”

“We should bring her to a hospital.” Dean says.

“Good idea. And when the vampire comes back, he will kill her.” Sam says ironically. “Cas could heel her as well.”

“Okay.” Dean says and Sam tangles his arms around your unconscious body to lift you up.

They leave your house, your mother and everything just as it is and walk straight to the Impala.

Sam lays you down on the backseat and Dean drives the three of you to the bunker. You can’t remember anything since the fight...

 

It was the last day you were in your hometown


	2. Waking up

The next thing you can remember is opening your eyes while lying in a bed, which is definitely not yours.

You are definitely in no hospital room. Or at least it’s no room in the hospital in your hometown. The light isn’t as glistening as in the hospital, the room is bigger and the bed is more comfortable.

You are surrounded by three men. Who are they? At first you just looked at them without saying anything. You try to remember what had happened but you failed. It’s like a hangover after drinking too much alcohol.

 

“Where am I? What did happen?” you ask and touch your head. You remember the wound but you can’t feel it. It was gone. Was it a dream?

“It was no dream.” one of the three man says. He has piercing blue eyes, short brown hear and wears a suit and trench coat. Should you know him? You are clouded.

“Why do you know what I thought? Now, I’m really confused. The last thing I know is that I was fighting against this man and you were there.” You say and point at Sam and Dean. You can remember their faces but the other guy’s face is unfamiliar to you.

“Yes. We were there. We wanted to protect you and your mother but it didn’t work that well.” Dean says. He has emerald green eyes, short hear and looks like one of those bad boys. But he seems nice, too.

“I’m not sure but I think I know you.” You say as you look into Sam’s face.

“Are you Sam?” You were in the same school as he was some years ago. The man in front of you has the same hazel eyes. You would never forget those cute, hazel puppy eyes. Now, he’s extremely tall and he has rather long, shaggy hear.

“Yes, I’m Sam.” He says and smiles.

You can’t help but smile, too. You don’t know where you are.. Three handsome men, looking after you and your injuries are gone. It’s a nice change after the horrible incident in your house.

 

You never thought that you would meet Sam again. He left years ago without saying “good bye.” He just left.

You were friends and you really liked him and no one knew where he was.

He was gone. You waited for him to come back but life goes on.

You wanted to forget about him but you couldn’t. Obviously, sometimes good things do happen.

 

“Do you want something to eat?” Sam asks friendly.

“Yes, please.” You said with a cute smile. You don’t know which day it is. You can’t say when you ate for the last time. You can just tell that you are a little hungry.

“Before I forget it. This is Dean, my big brother and this is Castiel, a very good friend.” Sam says.

You introduce yourself and then all of you walk into the kitchen.

 

The building you are in looks impressive. You don’t know where you are but you like it here.

Dean cooks while Cas, Sam and you are sitting at the table, having a nice conversation.

They are so friendly. You just got to know Dean and Cas but you don’t feel like a stranger at all.

The food is ready and it tastes delicious. You are so grateful for everything. It’s strange but you feel as if you were at home. Of course you know that you aren’t at home but the feeling is the same. Caring people are around you and you feel warm and safe.

That’s home for you. Home’s no place but a feeling.

 

After you finished eating, all of you stay at the table to carry on talking.

“What do you actually know about your father?” Dean asks suddenly.

“My father? I know that he left me and my mother when I was three years old. He never came back. However, he always sent me birthday and Christmas cards with some money. He never cared about me. He did this because he felt guilty. I never had a real dad. I can’t even remember his face. My mother is... was everything I had.” You answer, while your eyes fill with tears. You think you would feel better if you talked about it. Well, you hoped it.

Everyone around you has a sad look in his face. You don’t want them to pity you. You successfully try to hold back tears.

“Why did you ask?” you wonder.

“Well. How should I tell you... Your father was one of my father’s friends. Both were hunters.” Dean starts.

“Hunters?” you interrupt him.

“Yes, hunters. People who hunt creatures like werewolves, vampires, skinwalkers...”

“Are you kidding me, Dean? Werewolves, vampires? I don’t want to listen to any fairytale which should excuse that my father left my mother and me alone. ”

This is not the direction the conversation should go. You don't want to talk about your father. You and your mother never talked about him...

 

“The man in your house was incredibly strong, wasn’t he?” Sam says.

He wants to explain everything to you after Dean failed.

“Yes, he was. I’m confused.” You say.

What do they want to tell you?

“The man in your house was a vampire. He belongs to a group of vampires and your father hunted them. He managed to kill a few of them but one escaped. He wanted to avenge his family’s death and so he worried about you and your mother. He wanted us to protect you.” Sam explains.

How is this possible? Monsters are real, your father hunts them and a vampire killed your mother? It sounds unrealistic and stupid like a bad joke. You aren’t doubtful of Sam telling you the truth. Why should he lie at you? Why should he make up stories?

 

“Okay, now I know why I wasn’t able to fight against this man, vampire or whatever... Correct me if I’m wrong but this creature aims to kill me?” you ask after a little pause.

“Basically that’s it.” Dean says. “But the vampire won’t kill you. We’ll protect you. You are safe here.” he assures you.

“I’m very grateful for everything.” You say and stare at the table.

You just don’t want to look at one of them. You can’t stand the look in their eyes. They pity you and this makes you feel weak and helpless.

 

You take a deep breath and think about all this. One thing is still a little strange. “After the fight with this vampire I had a wound. A quite big wound and as I woke up it was gone. How is this possible.”

“It was me. I healed you.” Cas says, smiling.

You just stare at him, a little confused. “Is this a joke?”

“No it isn’t. I’m an angel. I can heal human beings.”

“You are an angel?! You are humans?” you ask, pointing at Sam and Dean.

“He’s an angel. We are humans.” Sam says, laughing.

“I think that nothing could surprise me anymore.” You say and grip your glass to drink.

“If you want to know more about creatures you could read one of the books in our library. Just if you want” Sam says.

“I’d like to.” You answer.

 

Monsters are real...

It’s like entering a complete new world. A supernatural word and you want to develop every part of it.

You are in a building (it’s the bunker of the men of the letter as you found out) with two other humans and an angel. A freaking angel!!!

 

This is the beginning of a brand new chapter in your life.

You stayed in the bunker for about a month. Most of the time you spent reading books about creatures, while Dean and Sam where hunting.

When the boys went hunting, Cas stayed at the bunker with you. You became really good friends even if his angel skills (like mind reading) scared you at first.

He is someone you can talk to at any time. He’s always there for you and he watches over you. You can’t lie at him because he always knows what you are thinking. You can’t tell that you’re fine if you’re not and so it’s a special kind of friendship. It’s pure. Your best friend is an angel. If you didn’t know better you would never believe it.

 

The vampire, who killed your mother is now already dead. However, you still stay in the bunker.

Why should you go back to your hometown?

There’s no reason for you to go back.

Sam, Dean and Cas are friends of you and you would never leave them voluntarily.

 

Sometimes you do the shopping and you cook for them. At times you spend the weekends in bars with the boys. They are like a new family.

At first, talking about your mother was hard for you. You remember that you wished to have more time without her caring about you. You feel bad and guilty because now she can’t care about you. Your stupid wish came true. Castiel assured you that you aren’t guilty.

He is the only one you trust completely. You are like an open book to him. He was also the first one to know about your new desire...

You want to become a hunter. You want to help people. You tried to convince Sam and Dean to teach you everything about hunting. At first they were sceptical but they agreed. You did Karate for quite a while and so hunting wouldn’t be that hard to learn.

At least you thought that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued very soon ;-)


	3. Your little secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly longer than the other two chapters but it will be continued very soon, too ;-)

This morning is your first target training with Sam. And also the first time for you to shoot with a real gun. You did laser-tag once but it’s nothing compared to shooting with a real gun. You are so excited, as you enter the room Sam’s already there.

“Am I late?” you ask carefully.

“No you aren’t” Sam says smiling and walks over to you. “Are you ready for your first lesson?”

“I think I'm ready.”

 

Sam hands you a gun and begins to explain everything you have to know about it. He explains it in detail and you listen carefully.

The theory is rather easy and you understand it quickly. You ask a few questions about the handling but after a little time you are ready to shoot for the first time. You are quite nervous.

You point the gun at the target and breathe sharply. The target is a carton man, wearing a cowboy hat. It looks a bit silly and you feel like a gangster in an old western movie.

Nevertheless, you need to concentrate and focus your aim. You pull the trigger and the bullet cuts the air. You mange to shoot into the target’s hand. As the rebound hits you, you nearly let the gun drop. You never thought that it was easy but you hoped to be better.

 

“Don’t let the gun drop.” Sam says, grinning.

“I try my best.” you answer him and smile.

Once again you shoot but this time you were even worse. You strike the wall.

Failing makes you disappointed... You hoped that you were a natural so that you could hunt with the boys. You are so naive!

 

“You have to relax your arm” Sam says and walks over to stand behind you. He holds your arm, saying “Now, shoot.” Well, of course he tries to help you. However, a beautiful man who stands behind you isn’t that helpful at all. You can feel his warm breath against your neck and you can smell his sent. How should you concentrate now?!

“Relax” Sam repeats and you try to pull yourself together. You shoot once more and this time you strike the target’s heart. You made it!

“Thank you, Sam!” you say and turn around to hug him. You are unbelievably happy.

“Be careful with that gun in your hand. It’s loaded.” He says. He can’t help but laugh. Are you stupid? You just hugged someone while holding a loaded gun in hand. You really can't concentrate...

“Sorry.” You say and part. You blush a little but a hair strand covers your face a bit. So it’s not that visible.

 

“I want to try it alone.” You say and focus on the target. You try to keep your hand as relaxed as possible. You manage to do so and shoot into the target’s heart again without any help.

“Wow! Did you see that? I’m gorgeous!” you say, laughing. Nothing’s better than success.

“Yeah, your quite good! I think we can finish for today.” Sam says with a friendly smile.

“Yes. Thank you for all this. I really want to be a hunter like you and Dean. I want to help people. I’ll do anything” You say. Do you sound that desperate?

You don’t get any answer but he throws you another friendly smile.

 

You had various trainings with Dean and Sam and they had to admit that you learn very fast. You were training for about six months and the boys and you got closer and closer.

You forgot about your past and the memories seem to fade away very fast. With every day you got closer to the boys, your hometown and past got further away. You didn’t care at all. It wasn’t always easy but you lost a family and found a new one. That’s the way it is. You shouldn’t complain about anything.

You didn’t know why but you keep listening “Blood in my eyes” on repeat. You felt understood when you listen to the lyrics. Especially the last part touches you all the time:

  
 _There's nothing to say now_  
 _The feelings are already dead_  
 _And I don't believe there’s a way now_  
 _All that I said has been said_  
 _I'm waiting for another day, another way_  
 _I don't believe that you can make all the pain go away_  
 _So I'll leave it all behind, but I'm leaving with blood in my eyes_

 

You left your past behind you and you don’t feel anything. It’s as if your past is erased. You don’t miss anyone. You are finished with this chapter.

Your new chapter is way better. You mess around with the boys and all of you are very familiar. Cas has lots of things to do in heaven, so he doesn’t have as much time for you as he had earlier. Sam is like a big brother and friend for you and when Cas isn’t there he’s the one you talk to. You have to admit that you really like Dean. You don’t know if “like” is the right word. You rather love him. You love the way he talks with you and you always have lots of fun with him. Both of you like the same music. And so on and so forth.

You would never tell Dean how you really feel about him.

You would never tell that you would like him to be more than just a friend. It would make everything awkward. Being quiet would be easier for everyone.

 

Another six months pass and you even started to hunt with the boys. It’s completely different compared to the lessons at the bunker but the boys were always there to help you. The trainings had been hard and real hunting was even harder. Although, you liked it.

It was the first time in your life that you really helped people. You saved them by killing vampires, ghosts, skinwalkers, werewolfes etc.

You always wished to make things on your own. You confused needing help with being week. You had lessons to learn and now you really know better. You aren’t weak. You never were. Your new self is different. You gained self-confidence and pride. It’s like a better version of you. An update.

 

 

As a hunter you don’t have much spare time and so you enjoy every moment you can spend at the bunker or in bars. The boys and you have kind of a tradition. After every successful hunt you go to a nearby bar to get a few drinks. You love it!

The last two days, Sam, Dean and you hunted a ghost. It wasn’t that hard and fortunately no one got hurt. You are looking forward to going to a bar. You really need a drink now.

 

Only a few minutes later all of you sit in the Impala again. The drive’s short and funny. Dean puts one of his classic rock CD’s in. While you listen to it on full blast, you are singing along. It always makes you happy. You don't care if you sing out of tune. You just forget everything around you for a short moment and just have fun.

Dean parks the Impala at the parking lot and you walk to the bar. It’s your favourite bar. Today, it’s rather crowded but you still find a little table in a corner. As you order your beer, Dean flirts with the waitress. He always does. Most of time it’s just for fun and you have to grin. Tonight was just the same. You are sometimes jealous when he flirts with women but you keep calm. Nevetheless, you love to tease him for his flirting.

 

“We are here for about thirty seconds and you are already flirting?” you chuckle.

“Yes. It’s always the same.” Dean says grinning.

The waitress hands you your beer. You drink one big gulp and your glass is half empty.

“Is someone thirsty?” Dean asks still grinning.

“Yes. It’s always the same.” You say it the same way Dean did.

 

All of you are laughing, drinking and having lots of fun. It gets later and later and all of you get more and more drunk. However, you are still enjoying every moment. The three of you tell stories, have little conversations and play drinking games. You prefer the last one. Of course you mess around, too.

 

“What are you looking for?” you ask Dean, who turns his head around. His eyes wander through the bar until he stops moving and starts smiling.

You turn around to look into the same direction as he does. Dean eyes a beautiful, young lady with big boobs. You are pretty sure that he’s staring at her.

“Are you looking for another victim for the night?” you tease him. Of course you don’t like it when he hooks up with other women. However, what should you do? You can’t tell him to stop. It’s his own decision and you shouldn’t interfere.

“Probably, I’m looking for a victim” he answers your question. His eyes are still fixed on the lady. It’s a little creepy.

 

“I can understand it. It’s a long time since you took a girl home.” You continue. Anyway, this isn’t your best idea. You divert the conversation accidentally.

“When was the last time you took a boy home?” Dean asks with a big grin.

“I guess, I can’t remember” you say. You hope to avoid any similar questions. You are a little ashamed of telling the truth. You did never ever sleep with a boy. You are a virgin. The boys don’t know and they shouldn’t. Cas knows but he isn’t here.

“C’mon, ______. Tell us.” Dean says.

Should you lie? You can’t tell them lies. They are the only people you can trust.

“Okay... There is no last time... I did never take a boy home.” You say. You don’t dare to look at one of the boys. You feel a little insecure when you talk about such private things. Even now that you live in the bunker for more than a year. You really trust them but you barely talk about such intimate things.

“I see. You always stayed at the boy’s home.” Dean says.

 

Why is this so complicated? You are still a virgin. It sounds ridiculous but you want to wait for someone special. You want to make love to someone for the sake of love. Not for fun or for any other reason.

“No, Dean. I’m trying to tell that I’m a virgin.” You say quietly. You just stare at your fingers which play with the tag of your beer bottle. You don't feel as ashamed as you expected. Probably alcohol makes it easier to open up.

Dean looks a little surprised. Anyway, he doesn’t say a word and just drinks another gulp of beer.

 “However, your idea wasn’t that bad. I think I need a girl for the night.” Dean says and walks towards the woman at the bar. He was looking at her for about half an hour...

You sigh. Why are you so stupid?

 

“Is everything okay?” Sam asks as he sees the sad look in your face.

“Yes it is. I’m just tired.” You say. You are a little tired but it isn’t the reason for your sad look.

“Shall we go?” Sam asks friendly. The whole evening Sam barely talked.

“If it’s okay for you.” You say, yawning. It’s a fake yawn but you want to act credibly.

Sam nods and the two of you walk over to Dean to tell him. You suggest that you walk home. Dean would need the car to take his lady home.

“No need to walk. Kylie and I, we are about to go home, too.” Dean says smiling at the blond lady.

 

You are extremely jealous now. However, you would never have any chance to be the girl on Dean’s side...

The female he chose is blond, tall and thin. She has big boobs and a beautiful face. Her eyes are so damn beautiful. Her lightblue eyes seem to sparkle in the darkness of the bar. God blessed her. Kylie’s dress ends mid thigh and you have to admit that it fits perfectly. Dean loves beautiful girls. She's perfect...

 

Dean and Kylie are sitting in the front seat, while Sam and you share the back seat. The drive back home feels much longer. You don’t dare to sing along. You just look out of the window. Eventually, you arrive.

You walk straight to your bedroom. You can’t watch Dean kissing Kylie any longer. Every kiss is like a little cut through your heart. You like Dean more than you want to admit. You tossed your clothes in a corner of your room and put on a big T-shirt you borrowed from Sam and your black sweat-shorts. You are about to go to bed as suddenly someone knocks on your door.

 

“May I come in?” the voice asks. It’s Sam.

“If you want to.” You answer.

He steps in and closes the door again. You are sitting on your bed. You aren’t sure why he comes to you. Maybe, he just wants to bear you company.

“I don’t believe that everything’s okay. I see it in your face. You aren’t tired. You are sad.” Sam says. He looks really concerned.

“You are right. But I didn’t want to talk in a crowded bar with all these people around.”

“Now, we are at home. No one’s around.”

 

You just look at Sam. He’s so caring and you feel so safe when he’s around. His eyes meet yours and you just smile.

“This is the smile I’ve been waiting for.” Sam says and blinks at you. You giggle and hug him.

“Thank you for everything. You are always there when I need someone.”

You hold him tightly and he does the same.

“I’m doing my best.” He says “If you want to talk you can always do so.”

“I appreciate this but I would love to sleep now.” You say softly. You don’t want to be impolite but you also don’t want to spill your guts to him at the moment. You just don’t feel like talking now.

 

“Okay.” Sam says and stands up. You cover yourself with your sheets and recline.

“Good night, _______.” Sam whispers and places a little kiss on your forehead. You adore when he does this. You always feel like a little child. Anyway, it’s a good feeling. You feel safe and comfortable at once.

“Good night, Sam.” You say as he leaves.

 

You are alone again. At least in your dreams Dean is yours...


	4. The Kylie-incident

The next day you wake up earlier than normal.

You are still a little tired but hunger forces you to stand up to go get some food. As you walk past the kitchen table and stop as you see a note, saying “Garth needs help hunting some werewolves. I’ll be back as soon as possible. Sam.”

Really? He left you alone with Dean and Kylie...

You fill your bowl up with cornflakes. When you open the fridge, you realize that you ran out of milk. Dean promised he would go shopping.

Cornflakes without milk and you don’t have bread or something else to eat...Could it be any worse?

 

Of course it could be worse. And it got worse...

You sit at the table to eat your bland cornflakes as you hear soft moans, load cries and growls. You try to ignore it but you can’t. It makes you crazy and extremely jealous.

At least those dry cornflakes have one advantage: When you chew them it’s so loud that you can barely here Dean and Kylie.

 

You finish eating and think about what you could do this day. Your eyes wander through the kitchen and living room. You realize how dusty and dirty the shelves are and decide to scrounge them. A little housework would may distract you. You can give it a try. You don't feel like changing your clothes so you still wear your pajamas. 

You take the cleaning utensils out of the little storeroom and start cleaning. It really works. You stop thinking about Dean and Kylie for a while.

 

Suddenly a female voice says “Darling, do you have a charwoman?”. Without turning around you know that it must be Kylie. You hear a female laughing.

“I guess I have a charwoman.” Dean chuckles.

You don’t find it that funny. He should be happy that anyone does the housework. He should appreciate it. But you keep quiet and carry on cleaning.

 

“Does she talk?” Kylie asks, laughing louder.

Now you turn around to face them. Kylie holds a cup of coffee and hides her stupid smile behind it. You really can’t stand it when strangers make fun of you. You can’t stand her.

“What’s your damn problem?! Just leave me alone!” you shout at her.

Who does she think she is?! A stranger, making fun of you? You wish to kick her out!

“Easy there.” Dean says softly. He just doesn’t understand that you don’t find it funny. You throw Kylie a killing glance.

“I think you forgot something.” She says while she spills her coffee, pointing at the stain on the floor.

Stupid bitch! Now you get really irate. This is just too much.

 

“Don’t you dare!” you yell as you step towards her and gnash your teeth in anger.

“You really need to calm down. Maybe sex helps.” Dean says grinning.

“Neither I need to calm down nor I need sex.” You shout.

“If you did it once, you would know that it helps.” Dean says promptly.

“What? Your charwoman is a virgin?” Kylie says and laughs out loud.

How could Dean do this to you? You trusted him.

 

You feel how your anger turns into frustration and sadness. You try to hide your face as your eyes fill with tears and walk quickly to your bedroom.

As you walk you toss the cleaning rag on the floor. You close the door behind you and let yourself drop onto your bed.

You never thought that Dean would let you down for a random girl. You thought that Sam, Dean, Cas and you are like a family. That you are there for each other. Obviously you aren’t. Tears are streaming down your face and your pillow gets damp. You stay in your room for the rest of the day and as it got late you cry yourself to sleep. No one cares how you feel...

 

 

You don’t want to leave the room because you are afraid of bumping into Dean.

You start listening to random songs on your ipod. You always do so when you are sad.

Suddenly someone touches your hand. Reflexively you reach for your knife under your pillow. Then, you realise that Cas is holding your hand. You toss your ipod and headphones away.

“Cas, what are you doing here?” you ask a little surprised.

“I sensed that you are sad.” He answers smiling and sits onto your bed next to you.

“Yes, I’m sad but you didn’t need to come here. I can do it on my own.”

“Are you sure? You look as if you were crying for a while.” Cas says and brushes gently over your face. Your cheeks are still a little swollen because of the crying. Your eyes are slightly red and your pillow is still wet due to your tears.

You don’t say anything and Cas embraces you. You missed the angel and now he’s back to comfort you.

 

“Would you like to talk about what had happened?” Cas asks.

You just smile. You don't know if you should talk to him but maybe it helps. You keep hugging him so that you avoid to look into his eyes. If you start crying he shouldn’t see your tears. He’s your best friend but you still feel ashamed when you cry in front of him.

 

“Sam, Dean and I were in a bar and I told them that I am a virgin. Of course it was a secret because it’s unusual for a girl at my age to be a virgin. Dean hooked up with a female and in the morning I started cleaning. The woman spilled her coffee deliberately and made fun of me. I got angry and Dean said that I should have sex to calm down. How could he tell her something so intimate?...”

You stop telling the story because your sobs make it impossible to continue.

Tears are streaming down your face and they dampen Castiel’s trench coat. He holds you even tighter and brushes gently over your back. He didn’t say anything. Most of the time he doesn’t. Anyway, this is no problem for you.

It must be hard for an angel to understand human emotions.

Sometimes it’s even hard for human beings to understand human emotions. Cas can comfort you without using words. He wipes away your tears with one hand and keeps holding you with the other one.

You feel safe and close your eyes. Castiel leans against the wall to make himself comfortable. You bury your face in his chest until you stop crying.

 

“Thank you Cas” you say and force a smile.

“I want to be there for you, _____.” He says and smiles back.

Your stomach rumbles and Cas looks a little confused at first. Then, he says “Sometimes I forget that humans have to eat.”

“I do forget it sometimes, too” you say.

“I’ll get you some food. You can stay here to avoid bumping into Dean.” Cas says and he’s gone.

 

This angel is more caring than most human beings.

A few minutes later, Cas is back with fries and a burger for you. This is one advantage of being an angel. Cas can go anywhere within a few seconds.

“Thank you!” you say and start eating. It’s so delicious!

Poor Cas can’t taste those delicious fries and burger. You gorge the food and lay yourself next to Cas. He puts his arm around you and the two of you cuddle.

 

“I’m tired.” You say.

“Shall I go now?” Cas asks.

“Please, don’t. Would you mind staying with me?”

“Of course, I’ll stay with you, ______.” Cas says and smiles. His smile is so sweet.

“Good night, Cas.”

“Good night, _____.”

Cas places a gentle kiss on your forehead. You love it when he does this. Cas does it the same way as Sam does at times. It shows that they do care about you.

You lay your head onto Cas' chest and close your eyes. His arm is still tangled around you.

 

You lull yourself to sleep, listening to the beat of his heart.


	5. How about a little hunt?

The next morning, you wake up because someone’s knocking on your door. Normally no one knocks on your door to wake you up. They all know that you're never in a good temper when you can't sleep as long as you want.

“Hey, ______. Are you awake?” Sam asks. He must be back from hunting with Garth.

“Now I am awake.” You say in response.

Sam opens the door to come in. You try your best to form a smile and be friendly.

“We have another case. Some supernatural deaths in a town a few miles away from here. I’m pretty sure that it’s a group of demons.” he says.

“Okay. When do we do we leave?” you ask. Hunting is the best distraction. You will be out for a few days just with Sam. No Dean and fortunately no Kylie...

 

“Dean said we should be ready in about twenty minutes.” Sam answered.

What??? Dean will come with you? You can't hunt with Dean. Not after what he did to you...

How should you tell Sam? It’s impossible. And if you told him he would like to know the reason why you don't want to hunt with Dean. Why is everything so complicated? You don’t want to talk about the Kylie-incident. So you decide to keep calm and get ready. You agreed to hunt with Sam. Now there's no return. 

 

“I thought you don’t want to do anything with Dean?” Cas says, after Sam had already left your room.

“You are right, Cas. But what should I say?” you ask him. You don’t expect him to answer you and so you carry on “Should I say: Sorry, Sam. If I knew that Dean would come with us I would have said “no”. I can’t trust him anymore.”

 

“What are you going to do?” Cas asks after a little pause.

“Well. I’ll act as if everything was alright.” You say and put the last few things into your bag. It's probably the best thing you could do. Your private life shouldn't affect hunting...

“Okay, _____. Promise me that you will be careful. I won’t be here, when you come back. Heaven needs me.” Cas says. He seems to be sorry for leaving you again. 

“It’s okay, Cas. I’ll be careful. Good bye.” You say and hug him. The angel disappears and you leave the room.

 

You meet Sam and Dean in the garage and toss your bag into the trunk. The drive is rather short but it feels terribly long. Probably the longest hour in your whole life. You keep looking through your window and view the boring landscape. All you can see are little farms, forests and grassland. No music is on and no one talks. It's deadly silent except of the constant roar of the Impala.

Finally, you find yourself in a little town. The houses are old and the streets are narrow.

Now, Sam starts telling you everything he knows about the case. Eventually someone breaks the silence!

You don't pay much attention to Sam and his words. The only thing you heard was. "... last eight hours seven people died... killed by... friends... possessed by demons... old ware house..."

The parts you heard don't make that much sense. However, you don't dare to ask him if he could repeat it. He may be pissed when you don't pay any attention to his words. And it would be quiet again. You can't stand this silence...

 

Sam keeps on talking and you act as if you listened carefully. You are thinking about Dean all the time...

After a little while, you reach the warehouse. Just one road leads there and it’s in the middle of nowhere.

You jump out of the car and take your weapons out of the trunk. So do Sam and Dean.

The plan is that you and Sam go through the front door and Dean takes the door on the backside of the building. You will surround the demons to kill them effortlessly.

Sam and you aim to open the door as silent as possible. However, it’s not that easy, considering the door is very heavy. It creaks as you open it. Nevertheless, no one seems to notice. Lucky you! You find yourself in a long hallway and you can barely see. You hear your footsteps on the concrete floor and your heart beats fast. There’s just a weak light at the end of the hallway.

You can smell the scent of sulphur.

 

You are at the end of the hallway and Sam opens the door. You can’t believe your eyes! You can see about eight demons! You have never seen so many demons at once. You have salt in shotgun shells to slow the demons down and demon blades to kill them.

Even though you have already killed a few demons, you are nervous now.

Sam counts slowly to three and then both of you run to the demons to kill them. You could see Dean, coming from the other side.

You lose track! Everything goes so fast. You try to concentrate on shooting and stabbing demons but it doesn’t work that well. You are distracted and can’t concentrate. You just hear screams and see blood!

“_____!” Sam shouts and you turn around to see black smoke. It’s a demon! Before you could react and defend yourself it's already too late.The demon enters your body!

 

How is this possible? You always have a hex bag in your pocket! A demon possessed you!

You want to scream but it doesn't work. Your body doesn't do what you want it to do. It's as if you're trapped inside your own body! You panic... What should you do?

Now you finally realize why the demon could possess you. Your hex bag lies on the floor! It fell out during your fight! How could you be so stupid? Why didn't you realize it earlier? You could have picked it up and everything would be fine now...

 

You try to move but you can’t. You don’t have the control over your body. You see, what the demon sees, hear and feel everything around you. However, you can’t do anything. You are a demon’s vessel.

“Oh, Dean. Really? You want to shoot me?” the demon asks with a mischievous grin. That stupid bitch inside your body! How does the demon dare! You can see Dean who points a gun at you. Will he shoot you to kill the demon? You don't want to die yet!

Dean puts his gun down. He starts saying the exorcism. The demon moves your arm so that Dean is pinned at the wall. He can barely breathe! The grip of the demon is very tight!

“_______! You need to fight against it! You need to...” Sam shouts and in the middle of his sentence the demon interrupts him by pushing him at the wall. The demon just rises his hand and Sam’s unable to move. He’s pinned at the wall just like Dean.

Of course you knew that you should get the control of your body. But how? You always thought that it would be easier.

“Do you know what’s funny?” the demon asks Dean as it walks closer to him. “This!” the demon shouts. lets go of the boys so that they drop on the floor and grips your knife. It pushes it into your thigh and you can’t help but groan with pain. Your body did what you did!

You feel the pain and not the demon! You had the control for a few seconds! It must be possible to do it again!

 

You inhale deeply and try your best to get the demon out of you. “Did you thought it would that easy?” a voice in your head says. You get angry! The stupid bitch inside your head needs to get out! You shout “GET OF MY BODY!”.

You yell it as loud as you can! You use all your strength, anger and pain to force the demon to get out. And it works! The black smoke leaves your body!

 

You thought you would feel better now that the demon's. Anyway, you feel the acute pain of the knife in your thigh! You grimace with pain and fall onto your knees.

You don’t put the knife out because if you did so you would lose much more blood. As you sink to the floor, you try to not get unconscious. You try to stand up but it doesn’t work the way you want it to. Dean walks over to you, saying “Let me help you.”

“I can do it on my own” you say harshly and nearly fall over again. You reach for something to hold but you see everything blurred. Your eyes shut...

 

 

 

You open your eyes and blink a few times. The light blinds you. You move your head slightly and realize that you're in your room. What did happen? Were you asleep? Was it just a dream?

“_____?” Dean asks as he sees you waking up.

“What did happen?” you ask. You are really confused. The last thing you can remember is claiming that you don’t need any help. However, you're not sure if it was a dream or reality. You move your left leg slightly and feel an intense pain. Your face looks distracted with pain.

Dean reaches for your hand “It’s okay.” He says and is about to brush gently over your face.

“Don’t touch me!” you shout angered. “You don’t need to stay here. I can do this on my own.” You say. You still wish to avoid Dean. He doesn’t deserve that you forgive him. You don’t want him around. He let you down for any random girl at a bar...

 

“Are you still claiming that you don’t need any help? You were unconscious because of the blood loss.” Dean says.

“I don’t say that I don’t need ANY help. I just don’t want YOUR help.” you yell. With every word you got slightly louder. You feel weak at the moment.

“______. I didn’t want this to happen.”

“Dean, I didn’t want this, too. Go fuck your stupid bitch, Kylie. But don’t act as if everything’s okay.”

“I won’t leave you now.”

“I would like you to leave.” You shout and point at the door.

Dean doesn’t move, so you continue, yelling “Now!”

What’s wrong with Dean? Does he think that you will forgive him even if he doesn’t apologise? He tells his stupid bitch very intimate things and acts as if everything is okay. He doesn’t care how you feel.

 

Finally, Dean stands up and walks towards the door. As he opens it he says “If you need any help. Please, tell.”

“Fine. But leave now.” you say sharply. If he stayed it would be hard for you to stay angry. You don’t want to forgive him now. He didn’t apologize. Dean just said that he didn’t want this to happen. He doesn’t regret anything. This means that he could do it again at any time. Thinking about all this makes you dolorous.

Normally you forgive everyone so fast. You want to stay angry but you can't. You don't want to forgive Dean now. He shouldn't think that what he did was okay. It definitely wasn't!

 

You look at your wound on your leg. This wasn’t that easy considering that every little move hurts. The cut must be very deep. Many stitches are visible and you brush gently over the wound. It hurts terribly but you want to prove if it was made correctly.

You wear the shirt you wore while hunting. Your jeans are on the floor and covered with blood. You stand up to reach for your sweat-hot pants. They are on the floor close to the bed. You could reach them without standing up. However, the painful part is putting them on. Every time you move your left leg it hurts terribly.

Now you really wish that Cas was around. He said that he was busy but it’s bad timing. 

 

A few hours later you wake up because you need to go to the bathroom. You don’t want any help, so you try it on your own.

You lean against the wall and shift your weight on the right foot. You move slowly forward always touching the wall. The wall’s your crutch. You could feel the pain rushing through your body with every step you take. Anyway, you carry on.

Eventually you made your way to the bathroom. This was a great success for you. You can do it on your own. Just as you told!

When you leave the bathroom again and try to close the door you fall over. Nothing’s there to reach for. You simply fall down. The worst thing is that trying to stand up hurts even more than falling down. After a few minutes you realize that you can’t do it on your own.

 

You need to ask for help. “Sam?” you shout.

You cut off the bunker’s silence. You are about to shout another time and even louder but you hear a door open. Then, you hear it close again.

“______, Where are you?” Dean asks. “Sam isn’t here. He left to buy something to eat.”

“I’m here.” You answer and Dean turns around to walk towards you.

“Are you lying on the floor?” Dean asks confused and surprised at the same time.

“I fell over and I’m not able to stand up on my own. I tried it a few times but it hurts terribly.”

“Of course it hurts. You had a knife in your leg. You shouldn’t even move.” Dean says worried. He bends his knees next to you and lifts you up with ease. His arms are tangled around your body without touching the wound. Therefore, you are really glad.

 

He lays you gently onto your bed.

“Thank you, Dean. I appreciate what you did for me. However, I can’t forget all this with Kylie...” you say.

“You don’t have to thank me. I didn’t even apologise for what I did. I didn’t want Kylie to make fun of you. You are gorgeous and I could never do anything that hurts you on purpose. I really didn’t want to hurt you. I feel extremely sorry and I want to put this right. It’s okay if you can’t forgive me but I don’t want you to hurt yourself. If you need help then ask, please. I’ll do anything for you.”

“I don’t know what I should say...” you answer, while thinking about his words. Does he really mean what he says? You want to forgive him but you aren’t sure if you can trust him.

“It’s okay, _______.” he says and grips your hand. You don't know why but you feel safe when he holds your hand. His hand is so much larger than yours and you feel somehow safe. 

The two of you sit there without saying a word. No words were needed at all.

 

After a little while you ask him “Would you mind helping me to get into the kitchen? I’m a little hungry.” You smile the same way as you did it when you were younger and wanted to get some sweets. It always worked.

“Sure” he says, squeezes your hand and smiles at you. You tangle your arms around his neck while he tangles his arms around your body. He lifts you up and puts you down on the couch.

“Is this the kitchen?” you chuckle.

“It isn’t. Do you want some pancakes?”

“I adore pancakes!” you say. Your eyes sparkle every time you think about delicious pancakes. Dean knows it and walks into the kitchen to make some pancakes for you. You feel happy again. You can't be mad on Dean for a long time...

You turn on the TV and a few minutes later, Dean hands you a tray with some chocolate pancakes and a cup of coffee.

“Thank you, Dean.” You say smiling. You start eating and moan at the incredibly good taste. “It’s gorgeous.” You say. Dean smiles back at you.

This moment is just perfect!


	6. Emotional chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the longest chapter ;-)  
> It's also with song lyrics. However, I hope that it's not that annoying.

For about a week Dean is always there for you and cares about you. He even stops hunting for a short time while Sam and Garth hunt together. Dean said that he would be there for you at least as long until you can walk properly.

He’s so sweet and it even got better!

Now, it’s about eight days since you got injured. The wound is healing fast and you can already walk with Deans help. If he puts his arm around your waist it works extremely well. You love the warm embrace and adore being near Dean.

You feel nearly as comfortable as you feel when you’re next to Cas. You really miss Cas.

 

This evening will be your first movie night without Cas but with Dean. Dean is off to bring some food from a nearby fast food restaurant. Burgers and fries. You love it, when the boys go get you some food. That’s real friendship you always say.

While Dean is away you start watching a movie. It’s one of the few movies you can watch every time without getting bored. Especially when you're sick you watch it on repeat. Cas had to watch it several times with you, too. You really miss the angel...

“What are you watching?” Dean asks as he steps in and places a few bags on the table.

“I’m watching “This means war” and then probably another movie.” You answer smiling. You don’t like those typical girly movies. “This means war” is funny, a little romantic and has action, too. You really adore it. One reason why you adore this movie is also that you like Chris Pine. However, no one has to know.

 

Dean sits down next to you and places the food on plates. He hands you one plate with a big cheeseburger, lots of fries and some ketchup. Oh your really love it!

“Thank you, Dean.”

“Shh. I’m watching the film.” He chuckles.

The incident with Kylie is completely forgiven and forgotten. You and Dean are even closer than before.

 

The two of you watch the film while eating.

You couldn’t imagine a better way of spending an evening at home. You try to fix your eyes on the TV to not stare at Dean all the time. At least your burger distracts you from gazing at Dean for a little while.

As you finish eating you place your plate on the table in front of you and reach for a blanket. You feel tired and cold but you don’t want to go to bed yet.

 

“Do you feel cold?” Dean asks while you wrap the blanket tightly around you.

“Yes, a little.” You answer, smiling.

Dean shifts closer to you and lays an arm around you. You feel much warmer now. You lay your head on his shoulder and close your eyes for a little moment. You enjoy being so close to Dean. You feel warm and safe.

“Hey. Don’t close your eyes. You wanted to watch the movie.” Dean says as he looks at you.

“I’m good at watching movies. I can do it with my eyes closed.” You joke with a big grin.

He laughs and says “I think so.” He’s laugh is so beautiful. You love the sound and you adore it when his full pink, lips form a smile. You are totally into Dean...

 

You can’t remember how long you were watching the movie. Anyway, you fell asleep on the couch next to Dean.

Or at least you are lying on the couch next to Dean as you wake up.

You had such a beautiful dream with Dean. A sweet sexy dream. You dreamt that Dean and you made out at a bar and then the two of you had sweet, loving sex. Yes, you’re a virgin but you dream quiet often about having sex. However, there’s something which is a little strange...

You still feel him touching you between your legs. You are a little confused and lift the blanket to see that Deans right hand is cupping your sex. He’s other hand is still wrapped around you. His eyes are closed. He’s still asleep!

 

“Obviously he must have sweet dreams" you think and giggle. You don’t dare to move. Should you pretend to sleep, too?

You lay your head on his chest and close your eyes again.

You still feel him touching you between your legs. You would never admit that you really like it. He makes you so damn wet! Suddenly you feel his thumb moving slightly upwards. He starts making smooth circles at your clit and you can’t help but moan softly.

 

“Did you say anything?” Dean says and slowly opens his eyes. You open your eyes, too and look at him.

It takes him a few seconds to realize where his right hand is. He puts it hastily away and blushes.

“Sorry, _____! I didn’t want to do this. I was asleep. I swear! I’m so sorry.” He says a little panicked. He’s really embarrassed.

Anyway, you cut him off with a kiss. You don't want him to apologise for this.

You tangle your arms around his neck and your lips meet his. His full lips feel soft and fit perfectly to yours. Sparks fly everywhere. Did any kiss ever feel this hot?

Nevertheless, you part shortly afterwards to say “Dean, I really like you. I mean that I really do like you.” You think that it’s the perfect moment to tell him how you feel. It costs you lots of courage but you need him to know. Well, actually you do love him. If he doesn't feel the same as you do it will hopefully hurt less when you so you like him instead of love him... Sometimes your thoughts are a little curious.

Without hesitating he cups your face gently with both hands and kisses you once more. This time it’s a more heated kiss. You gasp and moan in response.

It’s really not the way you expected your movie night to end. It’s so much better than expected!

 

His tongue brushes over your teeth as you give him access to your mouth. His tongue brushes in and out of your mouth and fights with your tongue for the lead. Dean moves his hands to your hips and lifts you up to sit in his lap. Your wound hurts for a little moment but you ignore it.

Deans hands rest on your hipbones and he parts the kiss for a short moment to say “_____, I think I love you.”

Is this even possible? Dean telling you that he feels the same as you do?

This moment is simply perfect. You look into his beautiful, emerald green eyes and for the first time you see such a beautiful sparkle. You are so happy! You wish to kiss him again and again. You bite your lips while thinking and you look at his lips again. He understands what you want and kisses you again.

 

“Hey, guys.” You hear a voice behind you. It’s Sam. He’s back again. The two of you stop kissing and you turn around to face Sam.

“Hey, Sam.” You say and blush slightly.

“Do you feel comfortable in my brother’s lap?” Sam chuckles. “As I left the two of you alone, I thought that one of you would probably be dead when I come back. After your reaction in the warehouse I thought that the two of you have an altercation. Obviously, you seem to get on well with each other”. Sam jokes.

He really didn’t expect this to happen and has to laugh.

 

“We had an argument but I think we made up.” You say, smiling.

“Do you want some pizza? I got some on the way home.” Sam asks.

Dean and you nod. You want to walk over to the table so Dean steadies you. His arm is tightly around your waist.

“You can already walk?” Sam asks surprised.

“Yes but just with a little help.” You answer with a sweet smile.

 

It’s another evening that the three of you sit together at the table, eating.

Just like a family, even though Cas is still missing. Maybe, he’ll come to visit you when you pray to him. You didn’t see him for more than two weeks...

 

As if Cas had heard you, he appears suddenly. He may read your mind.

“Hi Cas!” you say and want to run towards him. As you are about to jump up you feel the pain in your thigh. You are so damn stupid... This happens when you don't think about what you want to do.

“Are you okay?” Cas asks as he sees you grimacing with pain.

“Yes, I am. I just have a wound on my thigh because of a hunt.” You say and sit back down.

“I can heal you after you have finished eating.” Cas says, smiling and sits down next to you. You are so glad that he’s here, now. You eat your pizza fast because you want to enjoy every second that Cas spends with you.

 

“I’ll do some research in the library.” Sam says after all of you finished eating and Dean says that he joins his brother. They leave you alone in the kitchen with Cas.

“Shall we go into my room?” you ask.

Cas agrees and helps you walking. He puts his arm around you to steady you. As both of you reach your room you lie down onto your bed and Cas touches your wound to heal you.

“Thank you, Cas” you say. The wound is gone and not even a scar is left. His angel grace is the best invention ever. Well, you don't know if "invention" is the best word...

 

He sits down next to you.

“You and Dean seem to get on well with each other.” Cas says and blinks at you.

“Yes, we do.” You say smiling “This morning, I said that I love him and he did the same. My life’s just perfect at the moment.”

Cas seems to be as happy as you are. He puts his arm around you and you close your eyes. “I think I want to sleep now.” You whisper.

“Good night, _______.” Cas says and places a good night-kiss onto your forehead. Cas makes himself comfortable and you cover both of you with your blanket. You fall asleep, spooning with Cas. You missed him for such a long time. Or at least it felt so long.

Maybe it’s strange to sleep in the same bed as an angel. But Cas is more than just an angel. He’s your best friend and no one could seperate the two of you.

 

As you wake up you realize that Cas is already gone. Hopefully he'll be back soon.

You stand up to get some food. Now that Cas healed you, you can walk without any help.

“Good morning.” You say when you see the boys sitting at the table eating breakfast. You take a bowl out of the cupboard and fill it with cornflakes and milk.

“Do we have a new case? You did some research, yesterday.” You say and sit down next to them.

“We don’t have any case at the moment. So we could go to a bar tonight. Just if you want to.” Dean says.

"I'd love to go out." you say, smiling.

When Sam leaves, you walk over to Dean to kiss him. Oh you missed his lips. Open mouthed kisses with hot tongues. It fills you with lust and desire and you couldn’t get enough.

However, as Sam comes back you feel slightly uncomfortable kissing Dean. Maybe you just need to get used to it. Or Sam rather needs to get used to it. He looks a little disgusted.

 

The three of you plan to go to the bar at about nine.

You are looking forward to a nice day at the bunker. You decide to do a little Karate first. It was a long time since you trained for the last time.

You put your black sweat pants and a red top on, take your ipod and walk straight to the training room. It’s the room where you also had your first target training. You remember the first time you had a gun in your hands and have to smile. So many things have changed since then.

 

You listen to “Rise” by skillet on full blast and start with the warm-up.

It’s one of your favourite songs and it motivates you always when you hear it whilst training. You listen to it on repeat...

_All I see is, shattered pieces_  
 _I can't keep it, hidden like a secret_  
 _I can't look away_  
 _From all this pain in the world we've made_  
  
 _Every day you need, a bulletproof vest_  
 _To save yourself, from what you could never guess_  
 _Am I safe today_  
 _When I step outside in the wars we wage_  
  
 _Our future's here and now_  
 _Here comes the countdown_  
  
 _Sound it off, this is our call_  
 _Rise and revolution_  
 _It's our time to change it all_  
 _Rise and revolution_  
  
 _Unite, and fight_  
 _To make a better life_  
 _Everybody, one for all_  
 _Sound off, this is the call_  
  
 _Tonight, we rise_  
 _Rise_  
 _Tonight, we rise_  
 _Rise_  
 _Tonight, we rise_  
  
 _Like a hand grenade, thrown in a hurricane_  
 _Spinning in chaos, trying to escape the flame_  
 _Yesterday is gone_  
 _Faster than the blast of a car bomb_  
  
 _And when the scars heal, the pain passes_  
 _As hope burns, we rise from the ashes_  
 _Darkness fades away_  
 _And the light shines on a brave new day_  
  
 _Our future's here and now_  
 _Here comes the countdown_  
  
 _Sound it off, this is our call_  
 _Rise and revolution_  
 _It's our time to change it all_  
 _Rise and revolution_  
  
 _Unite, and fight_  
 _To make a better life_  
 _Everybody, one for all_  
 _Sound off, this is the call_  
  
 _Tonight, we rise_  
 _Rise_  
 _Tonight, we rise_  
 _Rise_  
 _Tonight, we rise_  
  
 _In a world gone mad (In a voice so sad)_  
 _Sometimes it's crazy (Crazy)_  
 _To fight for what you believe_  
 _But you can't give up (No)_  
 _If you want to keep what you love (Keep what you love)_  
 _Keep what you love (Keep what you love)_  
 _Keep what you love_  
 _Never give up, no_  
  
 _Rise_  
 _Rise and revolution_  
 _Rise_  
 _Rise and revolution_  
 _Everybody one for all_  
 _Sound off, this is the call_

_..._

You listen the song until you realize that Dean is in the room. When did he enter? You stop with your training and turn off the music.

“I thought you would do Karate. It looks like yoga or something.” He says, smirking.

“Are you kidding me? I’m doing the warm-up.” You say. “If I fought against you without any weapon I would win at any time.” You walk towards him with a mischievous grin. You have a sweet idea in your dirty mind. Maybe it leads to something you were dreaming about when you lay on the couch next to Dean.

“I won’t fight against a woman.” Dean says smiling.

“You are just afraid of losing.” You say.

 

In the middle of the room, there’s a big mat. Both of you stand there and Dean says that you could begin at any time.

With a smooth foot technique, you make Dean fall down. You used a Karate throw so that he falls backwards on the mat. He didn't manage to dodge but he was still fast enough to grip your arm and so you fell with him. You land on top of him and sit on hipbones. You pin his arms down with your hands and lean over him.

You move slowly closer to his face and whisper “I won't make it that easy for you” and your lips crash against his. You draw your attention to his sweet lips and hot tongue and close your eyes.

Dean seizes the moment and rolls you over so that he’s on top of you.

“I never thought it was easy.” He whispers and kisses you again. It’s a heated kiss and you moan in response. You tangle your arms around his neck and your legs around his back. You want to be as close to him as possible.

 

Dean stands up and lifts you up with ease. He walks out of the room with you in his arms. You have to laugh and say “You know that I can walk on my own.”

“I do.” He says and just smiles. The two of you enter Deans room and he lays you down onto his bed. He shifts over you and places gentle kiss onto your neck. He starts licking and biting your sensitive skin and you moan in response. You grip the hem of his shirt, put it over his head and toss it away. His muscle toned torso is incredible! You touch his bare chest while he kisses your neck.

“I love you.” He whispers and you feel his warm breath against your neck. It makes you shiver and you want to answer that you love him, too. However, it’s barely possible. You have to moan and breathe sharply.

 

Dean grips the hem of your top and it soon joins his shirt on the floor.

“You look gorgeous” he says and places kisses on your collarbones.You tangle your fingers in his short hair. You don’t want him to part.

With one hand he reaches behind you to unclasp your bra. He tosses it onto the floor and starts kneading your breasts. That's so hot!

You tangle your legs around his hips again. You pull him closer to yourself. You feel his bulge against your cunt and wish to feel him inside you. You grind against his hips. Your panties get extremely wet as you feel his hard member. Just your clothes prevent you from fulfilling your biggest wish.

 

Dean moves his hand towards one of your nipples and starts sucking the other one. His tongue and fingers caress your sensitive flash. You gasp and moan and reach for his waistband. You unbutton his jeans and pull it down. Dean kicks his jeans away but doesn’t stop to kiss and lick your nipple. With his hand he rolls your nipple between his thumb and index finger. He uses his other hand to unbutton your jeans and tosses it away.

Dean places soft kisses all over your stomach and makes his way to your hipbones. You gasp and he puts down your soaked panties.

Slowly he brushes over your wet folds and you can’t hold back a soft cry. “Dean” you moan and it encourages him to carry on. Your voice sounds needy and somehow desperate. You never had sex but you wanted to. You need him now.

Your head kicks back in pleasure as he slowly inserts his middle finger into your wet cunt. His fingers are so much thicker and longer than yours. He starts pumping it in and taking it out faster and faster. While fingering you he puts his thumb on your clit and starts making circles. The pressure on your clit makes you even wetter and your back arches. He adds his index finger and inserts them both. You breathe heavily, gasp and moan.

He seems to enjoy it as much as you do. The familiar coil starts to build in your stomach and you cringle your toes. You begin rocking your hips against his hand. He manages to hit that sweet spot with every thrust and as he starts curling his fingers you breathe even harder, gasp and moan loudly. Then, you cry out in pleasure. Your orgasm hits you hard. It’s not your first one but the most intense. He replaces his fingers with his tongue. You can’t concentrate on anything. He helps you through your orgasm and you pant for air.

“Oh my god.” You manage to say when you calmed down.

This was incredible. However, you want more. You pull his boxers down and his hard member springs free. You never thought that he would be that big. You don’t care. You need to feel him in the most intimate way possible.

 

“I want you inside of me.” You say, even though you feel a little insecure.

“Are you sure? I mean it’s your first time...” Dean says. “You don’t have to.”

“I’d really like to” you say and kiss him.

“Okay. But if you feel uncomfortable or anything else. I can stop at any time if you want.” He assures you.

 

Dean shifts between your thighs and you tangle your legs around him. His hard cock is pressed against your wet cunt and both of you let out a groan. Slowly he moves inside you and gives you time to adjust. He is as careful as possible but you still feel a little pain.

To distract you he starts kissing you again. Open mouthed with his hot tongus everywhere. You can taste yourself and it turns you on.

You dig your nails into his bare back. He fills you up slowly and stretches your walls in a way you’ve never felt before.

"Ready?" he asks and you nod in response.

He starts to roll his hips slowly and the little pain you felt turns into pure pleasure. He picks up pace and the bunker’s silence fills with moans, growls, groans and soft cries. His thrusts get harder and you start moving your hips with his.

You feel the best thing you ever felt. You couldn’t be any closer to Dean and you love it. Once again this coil in your stomach starts to build. Breaths get heavier and you kiss Dean roughly. Some of your soft cries and moans are swallowed by his kisses.

He hits this sweet spot again and again. Your walls tighten. A few thrusts later both of you cum together. You never felt something like this. It's so intense and intimate and really gorgeous. It's as if electricity is rushing through your body.

You ride out your orgasms together and finally Dean spills his seeds inside your hot cunt.

He rolls over to lie next to you, while both of your lungs scream for air.

 

Dean puts his arm around you to hold you close to him. You smile at him and place a gentle kiss on his bare chest. Then, you lay your head on his chest and Dean kisses you onto your forehead.

The two of you lie there and cuddle for a long time. You feel so comfortable and couldn’t imagine anything that would make your day better. It’s perfect.

 

Suddenly, you realize that it’s already late. You promised Sam to be ready at nine o’clock to go to the bar. It’s already half past eight!

You jump out of bed and kiss Dean goodbye. You need to shower before going to the bar. The bath room is next to Dean’s room and so you don’t put on your clothes. You just hope that you won’t bump into anyone.

You are relieved as you reach the bathroom without any incident.

 

You step under the shower and feel the hot water caress your sensitive skin.

You are thinking about Dean. How he made love to you and you close your eyes. You want him to be here know. You’d love to shower with him. However, you need to be ready very soon and so you carry on washing your hair and skin and try to stop thinking about Dean. It's not that easy but you manage it somehow. You reach for a towel and cover yourself to run back to your own room.

As you reach it, you put on a nice dress and high heels. You want to look good for Dean. You never dressed beautifully for anyone. Anyway, you are living your dream. Your boyfriend is the fantastic Dean Winchester. It sounds so strange. So incredibly good!

 

You dry your hair a little and finally you do the make-up. It’s decent but still beautiful. You would never say that you look gorgeous. However, now you really do. Dean will be impressed.

You grab your clutch and put your phone, mascara and a lipstick in. It just turns nine o’clock and you rush towards the Impala. You have to admit that you can’t walk that well while wearing your high heels. But they look good.

“Damn! ______, you look fantastic!” Dean says and grins as you walk towards him.

“You, too.” You say and smile at him.

He leans in to kiss you gently and then opens the door for you like a gentleman.

“Thank you.” You say, laughing. You never thought that he would do such little sweet things. He was always the bad boy and unapproachable. Hard shell, soft core.

 

While driving, you listen to classic rock on full blast. It’s lots of fun and you look forward to a wonderful night.

Finally, Dean parks the car and the three of you walk towards the bar. You grip Deans hand and place a gentle kiss on his cheek.

Now that you wear your high heels you are tall enough to kiss him. He smiles at you and puts his arm around your waist. You feel a little sorry for Sam. Dean and you act as if he isn’t there. However, Sam doesn’t complain.

 

You take the same table as the last time you were at the bar. The waitress arrives and all of you order a beer. You and Dean sit face to face. Just the table is between you. Even your knees touch.

This time you also play a few drinking games and tell stories.

A few tequila shots later you feel a little dizzy but very happy. Your lucky streak my never ends.

Sam has found a beautiful woman and walks over to sit next to her. They are chatting and drinking together and Sam looks really happy. He may finally found a nice girl.

“They’re sweet.” You say and giggle.

“Do you think so?” Dean asks and grins. Now that Sam is talking to that female, you could have some time with Dean. You stand up and nearly stumble. You grip the table to steady yourself and walk over to Dean.

 

Dean puts his arm around your waist again and leans in to kiss you. This kiss is hot and wanting. His soft lips and rough tongue. You moan and tangle your arms around his neck. Your lungs are screaming for air but you don’t want to part. Of course you have to and fortunately it’s another opportunity to look into those emerald green eyes.

Your lips crash over his again and tongues are fighting in a hot and sweet way. Dean is really the best thing that happened to you.

You gently bite his lower lip and see his pupils widen in lust and hunger. It’s so damn hot. You don’t want to ever stop kissing this beautiful face.

However, as Sam comes back it feels a little awkward. Sam watches the two of you with a disgusted look in his face. You start giggling and sit back down onto your barstool. You don’t want to annoy Sam.

 

As the waitress passes you, you order tequila shots for all of you. You already see everything blurred and you feel dizzy but you don’t want to stop drinking yet. Sam refuses to drink another shot and you drink yours and his within a few seconds. This wasn’t your best idea.

“I’m back in a sec.” You say and jump up from your barstool to walk to the toilet which is on the other side of the bar. Walking in high heels while drunk is not your strong point. You walk through the bar doing your best to not stumble.

Finally, you reach the bathroom. You stand in front of the mirror and breathe deeply. Then, you use the toilet and nearly stumble again. You really need to stop drinking and get a little more sober. You wash your hands and then you make your way back to Dean.

 

As you walk towards him you can’t believe your eyes!

Dean is still sitting on his barstool but Kylie is there! She has her arms tangled around Deans neck while kissing him! You are a few meters away from him and shout “Are you fucking kidding me?!!”

You run out of the bar as fast as possible. Not that fast considering you are drunk and wear high heels but still fast enough to avoid Sam or Dean from stopping you.

Oh you never were this angry before! Anyway, you aren’t sure if you are mad at Kylie or Dean. Probably both... You think that Kylie is a stupid whore but she may doesn’t know that Dean is your boyfriend now... Or WAS your boyfriend...

 

You don’t feel cold as you walk across the streets. You don’t want to shed a tear. However, a few tears are still streaming down your face.

You are too drunk, too angry and too deceived to feel anything or to think clearly.

You remember how Kylie made fun of you in the bunker after she had spent a night with Dean. Maybe Kylie and Dean belong together and you are just the girl next door. You should leave them alone. You could move to another town, find a little apartment and hunt on your own.

How could you look into Dean’s eyes again? Those beautiful emerald green eyes... The sweet sparkle in his eyes or the widening pupils, when he feels desire or lust. You love those eyes. But he deceived you. He doesn’t love you. He never did. Dean just played with you. You are just the one he wants if no one else is there.

How could you look at Kylie if she steps out of Deans room again? Even if you don’t want it... You have to admit that it hurts terribly. Your heart is broken. It’s shattered to pieces.

 

Wait... Where are you? You just walked anywhere without thinking!

At least you feel sober now...

You put out your phone. Three missed calls from Dean and two missed calls from Sam. Why do they even call? They don’t care at all.

The only one who cares is Cas. You call him but it doesn’t work. He’s probably somewhere in heaven doing his business. You are alone, desperate and really, really angry! You through your phone against a brick wall and watch it fall into pieces. It’s shattered into pieces just like your heart.

 

You remember the song lyrics of another song you really like, "Scars" by Papa Roach:

_I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut_  
 _My weakness is that I care too much_  
 _And my scars remind me that the past is real_  
 _I tear my heart open just to feel_  
  
 _Drunk and I'm feeling down_  
 _And I just wanna be alone_  
 _I'm pissed cause you came around_  
 _Why don't you just go home_  
 _Cause you channel all your pain_  
 _And I can't help you fix yourself_  
 _You're making me insane_  
 _All I can say is_

... It just explains your situation perfectly. Or at least you think it does. You lean against the nearest tree and sink to the floor. Tears are streaming down your face again as you think about the song lyrics. You don’t care that the grass you are sitting on is wet and cold, while you are leaning your back against the tree. You just don’t care.

You don’t deserve any better.

You bury your face in your hands and just cry. You cry like a little child but it feels good. Sometimes you’d love to be a little child again. Being secure without any sorrow. Childhood means safeness to you. These are all things you will never have again.

 

Suddenly someone brushes over your arm gently. You look up to face Cas.

“Cas?” you ask a little shocked. Not shocked in a bad way but surprised.

“I don’t think a young, beautiful woman should sit alone on the floor in a cold Friday night.” He says and brushes gently over your face. He wipes away the last few tears of yours. His knees are bent so that he’s on eye-sight with you. His beautiful, piercing blue eyes look concerned.

“I don’t deserve any better. Maybe I should stay here for the rest of my life...” you say without showing any emotion.

“Sam and Dean begged me to find you. They worry about you.”

“They don’t worry about me. Sam pities me and Dean may feels guilty. But they don’t care where I am. They don’t care how I feel. I don’t belong to them. I thought we were like one little family. But we aren’t. I just wished us to be like a family...”. You just say what you are thinking at the moment.

 

Without saying a word Cas hugs you tightly.

“Don’t you feel cold?” he asks as he touches your bare arms.

“A little.” You answer him. Cas takes his trench coat off and gives it to you.

“Thank you.” You say smiling. It’s a forced smile but you owe it to Cas. He cares about you. He’s the only one.

You feel warm, wearing his trench coat. It smells like Cas.

“We should really go back home now.” Cas says.

You agree. You hope that Sam and Dean are already in bed or at least that they are in their own rooms.

 

Cas zaps you into the bunker’s kitchen. Unfortunately, Sam and Dean are sitting at the table. They were waiting for you. Probably.

“Hey, _______.” Dean says and walks over to you. His eyes have a sad look but he seems happy to see you now. Well, you aren’t happy to see him. He hurt you terribly.

“Don’t you dare.” You say and turn your head. You don’t want to look at him. You can’t.

Sam stands up to hug you and says “I’m glad that you are okay.” He looks at you and adds “More or less...”

You let him hug you. You can’t blame Sam for anything Dean did. You agonize all the time...

 

You walk to your room without saying a word.

You are completely sober now but you still feel tired. You sleep in the dress you are wearing and you don’t care that you didn’t remove the make-up or combed your hair.

You are constantly thinking about Dean. If he stabbed your heart with a knife it would probably hurt less. You really thought that Dean would be the one! That he would be the one you would love until the end of your days. You are so naive!

After a little while, you cry yourself to sleep...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued very soon :-)


	7. You just don't care about anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter 7 ;-)

While you are sleeping, the boys are still talking in the bunker’s kitchen:

 

“Are you going to tell my why _______ left? You said she ran away but why should _______ leave? She was in a bar with you. She loves going out.” Cas says and sits down at the table next to Dean.

“Well something happened in the bar. I think Dean should tell it.” Sam says. It’s not his business and not his fault so why should he tell the story?

Dean breathes sharply before he starts “We were at the bar as you know. We were all drunk and it just happened.”

“What happened, Dean?” Cas asked forcefully.

“Kylie was there at the bar. She came over to our table as _______ left to go to the ladies room. Kylie and I kissed and ________ saw it.”

“Dean?!” Cas says surprised. He doesn’t know what he should say.

“I didn’t want it to happen. I love _______. I never wanted to hurt her. I understand that she ran away... I feel extremely sorry. I can’t tell how sorry I feel.” Dean says. He doesn’t dare to look at Cas. He just stars at the blank table.

“You don’t have to tell me that you’re sorry... You have to tell her.” Cas says calmly.

“I really want to apologise but I don’t know if she will listen to me.”

“I also don’t know if she will listen to you. You really hurt her.” Cas says without thinking. He is sure that it won’t encourage Dean to talk with you... However he just said what he was thinking.

“I need to go to sleep now. I really have to think about all this alone.”

Dean walks away and so do Sam and Cas shortly afterwards.

 

 

 

You wake up and even if you thought that you were sober when you went to sleep you have a bad headache now.

You rub your head and stand up. You don’t wear your dress any more but your sleeping shirt and shorts.

“Oh, I didn’t see you.” You say as you nearly bump into Cas. You didn't expect him to stay in your room. 

“I stayed here to watch over you. When I came in you were lying on the floor in the dress you wore while going out” He says.

You just smile at him.

 

Cas is more of a gentleman than any human will ever be.

You both walk over to the kitchen. Fortunately some pie is left in the fridge. Cherry pie! Cas makes himself comfortable on the couch and so you sit down next to him. You lay your head on his shoulder. You don’t feel hungry anymore. Cas puts his arm around you.

You remember the day you lay on the couch with Dean. How comfortably you slept next to him with your head on his shoulder. And how you woke up...

You hear footsteps on the floor. Please, it mustn’t be Dean...

But it is Dean. You hear his voice, saying “_______, I would like to talk to you.”

“Dean, there’s nothing left to say. I hope that you and Kylie are happy together. It’s okay. You don’t need to apologise.” You say without looking at him. Of course it wasn’t okay but you don’t want him to think that you care. You aren't able to talk at the moment...

 

Dean walks over to face you and says “We really need to talk.” He steps forward and reaches for your face. Maybe he wants to brush gently over it like he did sometimes when the two of you were a couple.

“Don’t.” you say as his hand is only inches away from your face.

He takes it back. It reminds you on a situation: When you were a little younger you wanted to stroke the neighbours dog. When you were only inches away it growls and you took your hand back as fast as possible.

This was just the same with one difference. You are the dog this time.

 

You don’t want to reject Dean but what should you do? You love him and he loves Kylie. If you let him close he’ll hurt you again and again. You can’t.

 “If you want to talk, please tell me.” Dean says and heads to the kitchen.

“There’s no need to talk.”

 

What does he want from you? You don’t want to hear any apology. It won’t change a thing.

“I’ll take shower.” You say and leave. You don’t want to be in the same room as Dean longer than necessary.

 

“Cas help me. What should I do. I don’t want her to be hurt.” Dean says and walks over to Cas.

“Dean, just give her some time.” Cas says calmly.

 

You are so hurt but you pretend to be numb. You always say that everything’s okay and that you feel fine. Cas is the only one who could prove that you aren’t fine. However, you would knew it if he read your mind.

 

You’re complicated emotions reflect in your hunts. You do hasty actions and don’t think about any consequences. You are reckless. You don’t care if you get hurt.

No one cares, so why should you? Some other hunters claim that you are extremely brave for your actions. Anyway, you just don’t care if you get hurt. You would risk anything. It’s your kind of being suicidal.

 

The last three days you were on a hunt alone. Hunting alone was usual for you at the moment... Most of the time Sam and Dean didn't even know that you were hunting.

Your latest case were werewolves in a town a few miles away. You were hitchhiking to get there since you don't have a car. You always said you would never sit in a foreigner’s car. But who cares?

You knew that the werewolves were a group of four or five. Anyway, you wanted to fight them alone.

You attacked the werewolves with your machete. You never thought for just a second. Of course they did fight and one managed to throw you through the whole room. Nevertheless, you ignored the pain. You got used to it. It was normal. A strange kind of normal but for you it was.

 

Fortunately you killed them all and had just one wound on your stomach.

You lost much blood and used your flannel to stop the blooding. You didn't care anyway...

"It's now time to go home before you may get unconscious because of the blood loss" you think after you have finished your job.

 

A few hours later and a few lifts later, you are finally at home. You open the bunkers door and aim to take a shower.

“Oh my god! What happened to you?” Sam asks as he sees your blood stained shirt.

“I was hunting. Werewolves.”

“Hunting alone is dangerous! Why didn’t you ask if someone comes with you?” Sam says concerned.

“She knows that it’s dangerous. She does reckless things and no one knows why.” Dean says. He seems really pissed. But what’s his problem?! It’s your life and your decisions.

“Dean, just shut up! No one asked you!” you shout at him. He always interferes! It’s so annoying.

“I don’t want you to be killed for some stupid, childish actions. Look at you! You’ve got a big wound and I’m pretty sure that you hunted without thinking about the consequences.”

Maybe he’s right. Anyway, you would never admit it.

“Dean! Just let me alone. That’s no big wound. It’s just a little scratch. Mind your own business!”

 

Dean is so angry. You aren’t sure if he’s angry because you disagree or because you hunted alone. Anyway, you aren’t prepared for this.

He grabs your shirt with both hands to rip it open. Your wound which is covered by the blood soaked flannel is now revealed...

Dean grips your arm to prevent you from walking away and says sharply “Don’t tell me that this is just a scratch.”

He lets go of you and walks away. Nobody says anything...

 

One part of you wishes him to stay and patch up your wound. The rest of you wishes him to go as far away as possible. You do love him. But you wish to stop loving him...

 You stand there as if you were frozen. What should you do?

You could never hunt with Dean again. Every time you see Dean it just hurts. You don’t know if it hurts that you love him or if it hurts because the two of you are having arguments all the time. You just can’t take it no more.

 

You go into the bathroom to take a shower to wash away the dirt and dried blood.

Then, you take out the first aid kit. You use some alcohol to disinfect. You try to be as careful as possible while swabbing the wound. Nevertheless, it burns like fire so that you bite your lower lip to not scream.

Then, you take out a needle to stitch up the wound. You let out a wince of pain. Although, you carry on and soon you’re ready. Eventually, you dress your wound.

You wrap a towel around you to cover your body while walking back to your room.

 

You put your sweat pants and a nice top on. These are the most comfortable clothes you could find. You don’t feel like dressing up for anybody. Especially not for Dean...

You walk into the kitchen to get some food and lay down onto your bed again. You don’t feel like talking to anybody or going out.

You just need to be alone. After you finished eating, sleep takes over you...

 

A few days you just spent in your room. You only left your room when you wanted to eat or drink something or when you needed to go to the bathroom. You loved being lazy and lonely... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have already started writing the next chapter and so I will add as soon as possible ;-)  
> It's probably longer than this one ^^


	8. Frustrated love

You spent days listening to music. Most of the time you pick songs which resemble your feelings or current mood. However, now you listen to the very same song on repeat because you adore the sound. You picked “Take me to church” by Hozier. It’s one of the few songs you can listen to all the time without getting bored. You sing along the lyrics and your voice gets even louder at your favourite part of the song:

 

_Take me to church_   
_I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies_   
_I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife_   
_Offer me that deathless death_   
_Good God, let me give you my life_   
  
_No masters or kings when the ritual begins_   
_There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin_   
_In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene_   
_Only then I am human_   
_Only then I am clean_

 

You are lying on your bed, looking at the ceiling. You don't want to cry anymore and you don't want to worry about anything. You just enjoy the loneliness...

Suddenly your ipod is turned off. You are a little confused and turn around. Cas is standing there, holding your ipod. What is he doing? Well, you didn’t even notice that he entered your room.

“I’d like to listen to this song over and over again. What are you doing?” you ask him.

“The song you listen to sounds rather sad, ________.”

“And the music is way too loud and annoying” someone ads, shouting. You are sure that it's Dean. It must be him. What’s his damn problem?!

“Dean, just shut up!” you shout angrily. Who does he think he is?

 

Cas seems to ignore your little dispute and carries on, asking “Do you want to hunt with me? I may need a little help.” Cas’ voice sounds so gently. You just adore it. You thought that loneliness is nice but you still need human (or angel) interaction. And of course you want to hunt with him. It may distracts you.

 

However, Dean destroys your plan, shouting “Cas, I’d like to hunt with you, Buddy!”

What is he doing? You are really angry now. Cas asked you. YOU. Not him!

“That’s fine.” Cas says.

What?! Are they kidding you?

“But... You asked me to come with you?” you say to Cas a little confused. Moreover you are really mad at Dean.

“Sorry, Darling. I’ll hunt with Cas.” Dean shouts. You know that he isn’t sorry. He enjoys it... Dean can be such a jerk.

“Sorry, _______” Cas says as he leaves. He seems to be really sorry.

"Never mind. " you say. Even Cas could hear that you don't mean what you said.

 

Cas and Dean hunt together without you... It's Dean's fault. Why does he act like an asshole? You didn't do anything.

He and his Kylie destroyed everything...

Oh, you shouldn't rub salt in your own wounds.

 

Luckily enough you realize that you can’t spend the rest of your life alone in your room. You take a quick shower, comb your hair, put on your jeans and a nice blue shirt (no sweat pants anymore), tidy up your room and throw all the food packages away.

Why should you and your room look messy just because you and Dean have an argument?

He shouldn’t be the reason why you are unhappy. You need to straight out your life by yourself. You can’t always blame others for what you are doing...

You need to hunt again. You already miss it.

 

When you hear your stomach growling, you decide to eat first. You get into the kitchen and as you pass the table you see a note, saying “I’m off to hunt with Garth. Sam”.

Really? They all went hunting without you... Nice. Great... 

You just grab two doughnuts which are left in a paper bag on the counter and sit down atthe table. While eating these two delicious things, you grab one of the newspapers which are spread around on the table and start reading the headline, saying “Killer hits fast food restaurant”. Reading the newspapers it sounds as if a normal human had killed all the others. They describe the killer as if he was a human being who was a little crazy... You have to smile slightly. People are so stupid...

 

However, reading the newspapers doesn’t distract you for a long time. You have a better idea how to spend the time on your own. It’s been a long time since you had your last orgasm. Well, not that long but now that you are alone you could make it on your own without getting bothered by anyone.

You walk over to your room, lock the door and let yourself drop onto your bed. You wouldn't need to lock the door because your alone. Anyway, you are still afraid of getting caught.

Fortunatel, you can take as much time as you want and you can be as loud as you want. Could it get any better?

Your unbutton and unzip your jeans and your hand wanders inside your panties. Rubbing your clit slowly and gently feels so good after such a long time. You gasp and feel yourself getting warmer and wetter. You brush through your wet folds and put one finger towards your entrance. Oh, you really forgot how good this feels.

 

Nevertheless, you can’t get Dean out of your head. Dean could be holding you like this. He could make you gasp and moan like you do now...

In earlier days you had fantasies about Dean, too. However, it feels weird now. You had sex with him one time. He made you feel so good. It’s over but you seem to want him. You seem to need him.

 

Now, you bump your finger inside you which causes you to moan and groan loudly. Your fingers are so much smaller than Dean’s... Why are you thinking about him all the time?

You don’t need him! At least you want to make yourself believe that you don’t need him.

Your thumb is pressed against your clit, while your index finger is bumping in and out of you, hitting that sweet spot with every thrust. Normally, you cum hard when you do this. This time you don’t even feel that familiar coil building in your stomach.

You’re just not relaxed enough... You can’t let go. Dean always comes up in your mind. The sight of Dean would bring you over the edge but you keep thinking about your argument, the Kylie-incident and things like this...

It’s so frustrating. What should you do?

You don’t feel like trying it again, so you keep staring at the ceiling.

 

It’s so silent. It’s a rather peaceful silence until you hear someone knocking on the bunker’s door. Who wants to disturb you now?

You walk over to open the door and can’t believe what you see! Dean and Cas are in front of you. Both have multiple minor wounds, but Cas has his eyes closed. Deans arm is wrapped around Cas’ weak body. A big blood stain is visible on Cas’ trench coat. Dean tries to stop the blooding with his hand.

 

“Oh my god! What did happen?” you shout distressed.

Dean walks past you without saying anything. He walks Cas over to the couch.

“Dean! Answer me!” you yell.

You can’t stand it when he ignores you. You need to know what happened with Cas. He’s not okay. He seems to be terribly injured.

You close the entry door and follow Dean. You have never been so mad at him! Why does he act so stupid?!

Dean acts like an asshole and you fucking care about Cas! You really do!

 

Finally, he lays Cas' weak body onto the couch.

Once again you shout at him “What happened?!”

“Calm down.” Dean says pissed.

“I won’t calm down! Tell me what happened or I’ll swear...”

At this point he interrupts you “It was an angel blade.”

 

You want to blame Dean for what had happened, even though you know that it isn't his fault.

You take out the first aid kit to mend Cas’ wound. You never had to patch up his wounds. He was always strong enough to heal them without any help.

Why is he so weak at the moment?

You are so worried! He was always the person (or angel) who healed all the other’s... Now the strong angel is the one that needs help.

 

Eventually, you have finished cleaning his wound and dressing it up. You keep staying next to Cas. You aren’t sure if he’s either asleep or unconscious.

You just hold his hand and talk to him. Even if you are quite sure that he can’t hear you now. You don’t want to leave him alone.

 

You never saw an injured angel... Is there anything you could do? You squeeze his hand gently and wait for any reaction... Nothing. Obviously, you can’t do anything to make him feel better...

What should you do?

Probably you would find anything helpful if you read a few books in the library... Nevertheless, you are so worried that you can’t think clearly.

You do what every normal person would do...

You drink a little because you can’t take it any longer.

 

You grab the bottle which is nearest and drink. It's a big bottle of Jack Daniels. You drink as if the whiskey was water.

The warm feeling when it flows down your throat makes you feel better.

In addition to this, you pretend that the little burn you feel after a few gulps makes you feel the warmth you need now.

You sit on the floor in front of Cas. You look at his beautiful face with the closed eyes. You preferred looking into his piercing blue eyes. Oh, poor Cas... You're so extremely worried about your feathery angel friend. 

 A little tear escapes your left eye but you don’t feel like crying. That’s the reason why you have to drink more and more. You don't even care about the fact that you don’t even like the taste of Whiskey.

 

You don’t know how long or how much you’ve been drinking but after a little a while you are lying on the floor with the bottle in your hand. You feel dizzy and everything gets blurrier and blurrier. The good thing about alcohol is that it makes you forget your sorrow...

And now that you can’t see Cas’ face anymore you are a little less sad. Actually, your sadness is replaced by giggles. You always giggle when you drink (too) much.

 

“Hey, _______. What are you doing?” you hear Dean, asking.

You are so drunk that your answer must sound like this “Nthin” instead of “nothing”. What are you doing? Stupid question. Of course it’s obvious that you’re drinking. Sad people tend to drinking...

“Give me the whiskey bottle.” Dean says and reaches for it.

 

Of course you don’t want him to take away your whiskey. It’s the magic fluid which stops you from worrying about Cas.

You do what every drunk person would do. You try to roll to the side so that he can’t reach for the bottle. Well, you didn’t think twice and spilled some whiskey. Now the bottle’s empty. It’s not that terrible, considering it wasn’t much whiskey left in the bottle...

 

You do your best to stand up and walk to one of the shelves where a few bottles are still left. However, you don’t get far. Dean’s big hands catch you effortlessly as you try to take another bottle from the shelf. He wrests the bottle from you.

“Eeeey!” you shout and giggle loudly. You try to get your bottle back.

Dean turns his back to you and tries to place the bottle on a shelf high above. You jump onto his back, arms tangled around his neck and legs tangled around his body. If you were sober you may didn’t jump onto his back... Normally, you act rather decently. In addition to that, if you were sober you were still mad at Dean.

 

“Oh, you’re really drunk.” Dean says, laughing.

You missed hearing the sound of his beautiful laughter...

He may be right. Okay... You have to admit that he is right. You are really drunk.

However, you have lots of fun at the moment. You definitely forgot about the pain and sorrow you felt before.

 

“Dean, gimme the bol” you say. Or at least you tried to tell him that he should give the bottle to you.

“No way, You are far too drunk.” Dean responds laughing. You are still on his back and you feel quite comfortable.

It’s really impossible to get another bottle. Therefore, you feel a little bored and start tangling your fingers in his short hair.

“What are you doing?” he asks, laughing. You feel like playing around with his hair. You feel like playing around with him. Probably it’s because you’re drunk. However, you would love to spend the night with him... After you failed making yourself cum, Dean could try to make you cum...

Yeah, you're drunken you is thinking about all the dirty things Dean could do with you. 

 

As if Dean read your mind he walks the two of you to your room. He lays you onto your bed but he’s about to go!

“Stay!” you shout giggling. Yeah, probably it sounded desperate. You were a little desperate after all... You really want him now!

Dean’s lips form that hot smile you adore. You take his wrist to pull him closer. You want to kiss him. You need to feel his beautiful, hot lips against yours. You need to feel this warmth again. As Dean’s face is only a few inches away from yours he says “I don’t think that this is a good idea, ______.”

 

Does he reject you? Silly question... Of course he does. What are you even doing? He doesn’t love you. He loves Kylie. Why should he kiss you... Why did you think that there would be another chance for the two of you to be together?

And what’s even more important, you have to stop thinking about him all the time.

It's over! You'll never get him back! You never really had him...

 

“Hey! Don’t look so sad. If you want to kiss me when you’re sober we can do it. I just don’t want you to regret anything when you wake up.” He says, looking into your eyes.

For a short moment you enjoyed looking into his beautiful eyes. Such a deep look. Even though, you see everything doubled. It feels very intimate.

You accept his decision even though you wished to make love to him now. You really want him now.

Your eyes close and you fall asleep in his arms. You weren't so close to him for far too long...


	9. Nothing is as it seems to be

When you finally open your eyes again you see Dean.

Dean? Why is he lying in your bed? Your head hurts terribly and you feel weak. You sit up, rubbing your forehead as a stabbing pain rushes through your head.

The first two lines of "Last Friday Night" by Katy Perry seem to fit perfectly to your situation now:

 

_There's a stranger in my bed_

  
_There's a pounding in my head_

 

What happened yesterday? Well, your thinking is interrupted by your urge to air your belly. Oh god!

You run out of your room and into the bathroom. You probably never ran that fast before while feeling so sick. Just in time you manage to lean over the toilet.

You never felt so bad.

You can’t remember anything that happened yesterday. It's as if your memory is wiped clean.

 

It’s the first time you drank so much that you have to throw up. You use all your strength to grip the toilet when you have to vomit once again. You feel so damn sick.

Then, you hear someone knocking on the bathroom's door. Can’t you have any privacy?

“______?” you hear Dean's voice as he opens the door slowly. “Are you okay?”

“Do I look okay?” you ask in response. Your voice sounds as terribly as you feel. What is he doing here?

 

Anyway, you can’t pay attention to him any longer. You have to throw up again. It’s so embarrassing!

However, Dean comes over, kneels down next to you and holds your hair with both hands.

Why is he so caring? What happened yesterday? And what’s even more important, why did he lie in your bed?

 

As you finished, you lean your back against the wall. You feel slightly better now.

“Is it the first time you drank so much?” he asks after a little while.

“Yes it is. It’s also the first time that I have a hangover...” you say. Your voice is still weak.

“Did you already eat something? It may helps.” Dean says with a warm smile.

You shake your head. You aren’t hungry but you would do anything that may helps. You stand up with shaky legs and the two of you walk over to the kitchen.

 

As you enter the room you can't believe your eyes!

“Cas!” you shout when you see the angel standing there. He looks pretty well.

“Hey, ______.” Cas shouts back. He seems to be happy to see you, too. You can tell it by the way he smiles at you.

“You finally woke up.” Dean says.

“Yes. It took me a little while to recover. But now I feel well and strong again.” Cas says, smiling confidently.

“At least one of us feels well and strong” you chuckle.

Dean already walked over to make some pancakes for you.

“Why don’t you feel well?” Cas asks concerned. “Did anything happen?”

“I drank a little too much. I was so worried about you. Yesterday, you looked terrible.” You answer.

“You don’t have to worry about me. I’m an angel.” He says smiling.

 

“Do you want chocolate pancakes?” you hear Dean’s voice coming from the kitchen.

“Yes, please.” You answer.

“Cas, I’m so happy that you’re okay.” You say and hug him. It’s such a long time since you hugged him this way.

After a little while Dean says “Pancakes are ready!”

You let go of the comfortable embrace to sit down on the couch. You feel like watching TV while eating.

 

You wrap a blanket tightly around you and Dean hands you a plate with delicious chocolate pancakes. Cas and Dean sit down next to you. One on each side of you. Your two favourite men around you, something delicious to eat and a good TV show. When did you enter heaven?

Your dispute with Dean is completely forgotten. You don’t even want to think about it. Instead, you have to smile because you feel so comfortable now. Besides, you don’t feel sick anymore and your headache is completely gone.

After you scoffed that delicious pancakes you place your plate onto the table and lean back again. You would love to sleep now that you feel so good. Soon your eyes shut and you lull yourself to sleep.

 

 However, it was just a short nap. You wake up soon and the TV show is still on. Your legs are crossed over Cas’ lap and your head is in Deans lap. You must have made yourself comfortable while sleeping.

“Did you sleep well?” Dean asks when his eyes meet yours.

“I slept very well.” You answer, smiling. Now that you’re awake you sit up again. Your head laying in Dean’s lap felt a bit awkward.

 

You keep staring at the TV until you ask “Dean?”

“Yes?” 

“What happened yesterday. I mean after I drank so much. I can’t remember anything.” You say. You don’t feel that comfortable anymore. You play nervously with your fingers.

“You drank lots of Jack Daniels. My Jack Daniels” he emphasises. “Then, you spilled the last gulp and wanted to continue drinking. So you reached for another bottle of whiskey. I took it away and placed it on a shelf higher above. You tried to get it back and jumped on my back...”

You interrupted him, asking “I jumped on your back?”. You have to laugh.

“Yes, you did.” He says smiling. Oh god, are you really so strange when you’re drunk? 

 

“I think I should let you alone for a little while.” Cas says and blinks at you. You forgot that he’s next to you. You were so fixed on Dean. You forget anything around you when Dean's next to you.

As you turn your head again, Cas had already disappeared.

 

Dean and you continued your little conversation.

“What happened then?” you ask. You aren’t sure if you want to know the answer. It may be embarrassing. You always compare your situation with a song and so "Drunk in Love" by Beyonce comes to your mind. Well, the beginning is maybe true for you... Hopefully not the whole song...

 

_I've been drinking, I've been drinking_

  
_I get filthy when that liquor get into me_

  
_I've been thinking, I've been thinking_

  
_Why can't I keep my fingers off it, baby?_

  
_I want you, na na_

  
_Why can't I keep my fingers off it, baby?_

  
_I want you, na na_

 

“Well, we went into your bedroom and...” Dean says and stops you thinking about lyrics. 

Anyway, you need to know what happened the night before. You ask him “Did we have... You know... Sex?”. You needed to ask it now. You just need to know what happened. You want to be sure about everything...

“No we didn’t have sex” Dean answers smiling. “I would never take advantage of a drunken girl.”

You blush so that your cheeks are pink. You feel embarrassed.

Nevertheless, Dean takes your hand and smiles at you.

 

“I have a last stupid question.” You say after a little pause.

“Then go on.” He says with a mischievous grin. He doesn’t know what he does to you when he grins like this. It makes you melt inside!

“Why did you sleep in my bed? Not that it bothered me but...” Well, your last sentence sounds a little desperate again. Why are you so stupid? Can’t you think before you say anything?

“Well, at first you wanted to kiss me and then you wanted me to stay with you.” He says.

You wanted him to stay? Probably it’s the first time you really listened to your heart... or to your drunken you.

 

"Now I have a question for you." Dean says.

"Shoot."

“Do you still want to kiss me?” he asks.

“Dean.”

It’s all you manage to say... What should you say or do? You were not prepared for a question like this. 

“It’s okay. I didn’t expect you to.” He says. You can tell by the way he looks at you that he’s very sad. Now he stands up, saying “I need to do some research”. Of course it’s a pretence to leave the room.

You didn’t mean to reject him! You don’t want him to go!

 

“Dean.” You say again and grip his wrist. How should you explain what you feel? 

“It’s okay, ______. You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to.” He says and wants to walk away once more.

“Dean, just wait. I want to but...” you start. “It’s difficult to tell. I like you. I mean that I really do like you.” You sigh. “I probably love you...” you whisper. You hate spilling your guts...

“I love you, too. What’s the problem then? Why don’t you want us to be together?”

“Kylie is the problem. I can’t forget the way you looked at her in the bar. The way you kissed her. The sparkle in your eyes when you are near her...” your voice brakes. You can’t look at Dean now.

 

Once again the lyrics of a song you used to listen to when you were younger reminds you of your current situation:

 

_I wanna hold your heart in both hands_   
_Not watch it fizzle at the bottom of a coke can_   
_And I've got no plans for the weekend_   
_So should we speak then? Keep it between friends?_   
_Though I know you'll never love me, like you used to_   
  
_There may be other people like us_   
_Who see the flicker of the clipper when they light up_   
_Flames just create us, burns don't heal like before_   
_You don't hold me anymore_   
  
_On cold days cold play's out like the band's name_   
_I know I can't heal things with a handshake_   
_You know I can't change, as I began saying_   
_You cut me wide open like landscape_   
_Open bottles of beer but never champagne_   
_To applaud you with the sound that my hands make_   
  
_Should I? Should I?_   
_Maybe I'll get drunk, again_   
_I'll be drunk, again_   
_I'll be drunk, again_   
_To feel a little love_

 

"Drunk" by Ed Sheeran. It was one of your favourite songs but only know you think you understand what the lyrics really mean.

However, the next thing Dean says changes everything:

“I don’t love Kylie. I just love you, _______.” he says. You wat to believe him. You want to believe every single word that comes from this beautiful mouth of his. 

“Dean, I want to believe what you say. I would really love to... I don’t know if I can... I love you but I don’t want to get hurt again and again...”

Dean brushes gently over your face and cups it gently. “I want to show you how I feel about you. Can we just start again?”

 

Could you really start again? Pretend that nothing ever happened?

At least you need to try it. The sad thing is that you only know if it works if you try it. It either ends with pure happiness or tears and heartache...

“We could give it a try.” You say, smiling. You don’t want to lose him... Even though you never really had him.

“Would you like to go out with me? Tomorrow evening?” he asks.

“A date? Yes. You can come at 8.” You say smiling.

It’s somehow sweet. You feel as if Dean and you were a bunch of teenagers.

Hopefully it was the right decision.

 

“Good night, then” you say and walk over to your bedroom.

“Good night, ______.” You hear him say while you open the door. You have to smile and step in.

You are a little nervous because of the rendezvous. Going out is not what you normally do. You rather stay at home watching TV while eating a big size pizza. That would be your ideal date. However, going out may be nice. Especially when you go out with Dean. 

Anyway, you feel tired and so you put on your sleeping shirt and sweat pants. Finally, you lie down and close your eyes. Sleep takes you over within a few seconds.

 

The following morning is rather horrible! You are so nervous! What should you wear in the evening? Isn’t it awkward to act as if the whole Kylie-incident didn’t happen? Should you take it slowly? What shall you do if Dean wants to kiss you? What if he doesn’t?

You agonize until you have a headache.

 You are so insecure like probably never before. Everything should be perfect. You want to be together with Dean. It needs to work well. You love him so much...

 

Firstly, you walk over to the fridge. You know that some pie is left and get yourself a slice. Delicious cherry pie! Secondly, you do a little Karate. You need to calm down and training helps most of the time.

You put a top and another pair of sweat pants on. After you have found your ipod, you take it with you and walk towards the training room. Your favourite playlist is turned on and the music is on full blast. Just how you love it. Now it’s time to start with the warm-up.

You run a little, jump to the beat and so on and so forth. You are sweating and start doing a few other exercises until you start with Karate.

At times, you miss the training you had in your hometown. Training alone is just not the same. Even if you do the same exercises it feels different.

At least it distracts you from your rendezvous.

 

When you feel exhausted and also a bit tired, you stop and head for the shower.

Eventually, you are in the bathroom and throw your clothes on the floor. You jump under the shower and hot water streams down your sweaty skin. You adore it!

You close your eyes and just enjoy the silence. It’s incredibly relaxing. For a few minutes you keep standing there without doing anything but breathing slowly and calmly. You reach for a towel and cover yourself.

 

You walk back into your room and look for something to wear. But what? Should you dress formal? Where are you even going? A fancy restaurant or a fast food restaurant?

You decide to put on some blue jeans. Jeans are never a wrong decision you think and smile.

Your hair is still very wet but you don’t care. It’s already 7 o’clock and you need to do the make-up as well. After a little thinking you pick a dark red blouse.

Do you need any jewellery? A necklace? Finally, you take a simple silver ring. It’s better than nothing and still not too much.

 

Now it’s time to do the make-up. You don’t have a mirror in your room, therefore, you do the make-up in front of the bathroom mirror. Black mascara, lipstick the same colour as your blouse and dark eye shadow. You try not to overdo it and keep the make-up rather decent... At least as decent as possible, considering you wear red lipstick.

 

You get more and more nervous. “Just keep calm” you murmur while walking to your room again. You put your phone, mascara, a little money, lipstick and a knife (you always have your silver knife at you) into your black clutch. Should you put on your black leather jacket or your black blazer?

It would be much easier if you knew where you are going tonight... Maybe, the blazer and black chucks. So it’s not too much...

 

It’s already 8 o’clock and you walk over to the garage.

“Hello, _____. You look beautiful.” Dean says.

Your lips curl up to a beautiful smile.

“Thank you.” You say.

Dean opens the door to the passenger’s seat for you.

Soon you hear the engine roar and Dean drives along the road which leads to the town. Sitting in the Impala feels somehow different now. You are insecure and keep quiet. You don’t want to say or do anything wrong.

You try not to gaze at Dean. However, not so successfully. You admire his beautiful hands around the steering wheel, his eyes fixed on the street and his beautiful full lips... You really need to stop looking at him! It gets a little creepy...

 

As Dean puts on some music it gets better. He picks "It's my life" by Bon Jovi because it's one of the few songs both of you like. And it has easy lyrics so that you can sing a long.

 

 _This ain't a song for the broken-hearted_  
 _No silent prayer for the faith-departed_  
 _I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd_  
 _You're gonna hear my voice_  
 _When I shout it out loud_  
  
 _[Chorus:]_  
 _It's my life_  
 _It's now or never_  
 _I ain't gonna live forever_  
 _I just want to live while I'm alive_  
 _(It's my life)_  
 _My heart is like an open highway_  
 _Like Frankie said_  
 _I did it my way_  
 _I just wanna live while I'm alive_  
 _It's my life_

 

 

When the chorus ends, you are already there. Dean parks the car on a parking lot next to it.

The restaurant is neither a fancy one nor an ordinary fast food restaurant. It’s somewhere in between and you adore it. It’s perfectly chosen.

The two of you walk over to the entry door and Dean opens it for you. He behaves like a gentleman. You just have to smile.

 “Why are you smiling?” he asks, when he looks at you.

“Nothing” you say and eventually, the two of you take seat on a table next to a window. The restaurant reminds you somehow on a restaurant in your hometown where you celebrated your sixteenth birthday with your mother. It was one of the most beautiful days you spent with her. Most sixteen year old girls celebrate their birthday's with big parties... You are definitely not that kind of person.

 

Anyway, now you’re in a little restaurant with Dean and this will be one of your most beautiful days with him. Hopefully.

The waitress walks over to your table and Dean orders red wine for the two of you. You never saw him drinking something like this. Actually, you thought he just drinks beer.

“Whine?” you ask Dean as the waitress had left.

“Sure.” He answers smiling. “Don’t you like wine? We could drink something else...”

“It’s fine, Dean. It’s even better than fine. I’ve never been to a beautiful restaurant with anyone else than my mother. Actually, I never had a date before and it’s just wonderful.” Why did you say this? He didn't have to know that you never had a rendezvous! That sounds strange!

“I’m glad that you like it.” He says and smiles at you.

 Every time you see him smiling like this you have to smile, too. When his lips form a smile it’s just beautiful.

No one says a word and you look into his eyes. The emerald green, beautiful eyes of his. It’s a deep, intense look. Finally, you can see this sparkle in his eyes. It’s the way Dean looked at Kylie when he saw her the first time. It’s an extremely beautiful look...

As the waitress places your wine glasses in between the two of you, you stop gazing at each other.

“Thank you” you say to her.

She hands you the menu and leaves again.

 

Gazing through the window, you think about what you want to eat. Definitely no salad. You are really hungry now.

Outside, there’s a couple, holding hands. Oh, they are so sweet!

You imagine Dean holding your hands like this man holds the female’s hands. It just looks sweet. Suddenly, the female runs away panicked. Why did she? But your question is answered shortly afterwards... The man turns into her! He looks just as she looked a few seconds ago!

It’s a shapeshifter! Oh my god!

 

“Dean, he was a man and is now a woman.” You say. Your voice sounds panicked. You point at the shapeshifter, running away.

“For a man, she looks quite good.” He says. Well, he thought it’s a transvestite or something like this...

Before you could explain what you meant, you jump up, grip your clutch and run outside! You need to find this shapeshifter. You want to track it down. Your hunter’s instinct hit you. Tonight will be the first time that you need the knife you always have in your clutch.

 

The shapeshifter ran in the direction where the forest is... It can’t be far away! Nevertheless, you can’t see it anywhere. Should you look for it?

Are you crazy?! You can’t hunt while you have a date with Dean! Sometimes, you are so stupid! You need to go back to the restaurant and apologize.

 You turn around. Dean’s already there. He followed you. Oh, he’s so sweet. You run over to him, saying “I feel so sorry, Dean! This was just so stupid! I didn’t want to leave you alone in the restaurant. I ran out instinctively...”

“Never mind, ______.” He says and smiles at you. You melt inside at this beautiful sight of him smiling at you. He’s so gorgeous. And you are very glad that he isn’t mad at you.

“Are you still hungry?” he chuckles.

“Of course.”

“So let’s go back to the restaurant.” Dean says.

 

It’s not that late but already dark. You stop to look at the sky. You adore night skies. Tonight so many stars are visible and they are beautifully bright. No clouds are there, so you can clearly see those numerous stars. It must be new moon...

“What are you looking at?” Dean asks after a little while.

“The stars are so beautiful tonight, Dean.” You say.

You reach for his hand. You just want to hold him tight while you are enjoying the beautiful sight. As you grip his hand, you see that he feels a little pain. As if the palm of his hand is burnt....

Wait a second! You wear a silver ring! This means that this thing in front of you is not Dean but the shapeshifter!

 

You jump to the side and shout “Where’s Dean?!”

“I’m Dean, baby. Come over to me. Let’s cuddle.” It says grinning mischievously.

You keep looking at it and watch every movement it makes. You panic but walk slowly backwards with one hand in your clutch fumbling to find your knife.

You can’t run. It's too late to run away. The shapeshifter is too close to you.

 

Why can’t you find your knife? You give a wince of pain as you cut yourself with the knife’s blade. You are about to put the knife out of your clutch, when the shapeshifter pushes you back against a tree. You don’t manage it... Your clutch falls down with the knife inside and your fingers are bleeding.

Is this the way you will die? Will you die because of a shapeshifter?

A tear rolls over your cheek. Maybe, the next breath you take is your last one...

You can’t escape no matter what you try.

“Any last words, sweetheart?” The shapeshifter says with a mischievous grin. He reaches forward...

You close your eyes. You can’t hear anything but your heart skipping loudly and you breathe faster as usual. Every second could be your last one. Every breath could be your last one... You have to face the fact that you are going to dy. You’ll die sooner than you ever thought.

It’s over now.

You shut your eyes.

You pretend that you won’t feel anything if your eyes are closed.

Your heart skips loudly and so fast...

In this very moment you hear a shot. You don’t dare to open your eyes. You are so shocked that you aren’t sure if the bullet hit you or the shapeshifter.

You shudder as you suddenly hear a voice shouting your name.

You’re alive!

You open your eyes to see the shapeshifter laying on the ground covered with blood. The bullet hit the shapeshifter’s chest. Still shocked you breathe heavily.

 

It’s just too much for you. Just too much for you at once. You tremble with fear.

 “________?” Dean asks. He is now standing next to you. You are so focused on the dead shapeshifter and so shocked that you didn’t see him approaching.

“Hey, ________. Are you okay?” Dean asks now, while looking at you. You just nod. You don’t look at him. You avoid it and keep gazing at the dead shapeshifter. If Dean wasn’t there you would be dead now.

You would be dead!!

 

Dean walks closer to you and puts you in his arms. You are still extremely shocked. However, the warm embrace calms you down. You tangle your arms around his neck and bury your face in his chest.

You are sure that he is the real Dean. Although, you still touch his bare arm with your hand (and ring) to prove it. You want to feel safe.

“I feel so sorry, Dean.” You whisper. “I didn’t want our date to be like this.”

He parts the embrace to look at you. His hands cup your face gently. Nevertheless, you are a little afraid of what he’ll may say. Will he forgive you?

“You don’t need to apologize!” he says. His eyes wander down to your hand and he says “You are bleeding! Are you terribly injured?”

Of course he knows that you just have a few minor wounds on your fingers. However, he cares and wants you to know.

“No, I just cut my fingers.” You say and pick up your clutch.

 

You are still trembling with fear. Why can’t it stop now that you’re safe?

“Do you want to eat something?” he asks.

“I would like to go home, Dean. I’m sorry.” You say. You don’t want to destroy your rendezvous. You don’t want the evening to end like this. However, you are still so shocked. You can’t even think clearly. You just want to go home. You want to lie in your warm bed and sleep.

“You don’t have to be sorry. I’ll get our jackets. Wait here. I'll be back in a few seconds” He says while walking.

Does he leave you alone? What are you even doing?! You are a hunter. You are strong. You shouldn’t fear anything...

 

Nevertheless, the little time he’s away feels like an eternity. You wish to hug him now but you shouldn’t. That would be strange.

While walking towards the Impala, Dean fumbles for the keys. As he looks at you he asks “Do you feel cold?”

“No. I don’t” you say and force a smile.

“Are you sure? You shake like a leaf.” He says smiling but still concerned.

“I really don’t feel cold.” You say and sit down on the passenger’s seat.

“Okay, then.” He says and you could hear the engine roar. You like that familiar sound. The drive back home feels much longer than the drive to the restaurant. You are so tired that you close your eyes and lean your head against the car window. Shortly afterwards you fall asleep.


	10. Every end is a new beginning

You have a sweet dream. You are somewhere near a lake, holding hands with Dean. You’ve never been to this place before but it could be a place some people would call heaven. Oh, it’s so beautiful.

Deep blue water, light blue sky without any clouds, the grass has the most beautiful green you’ve ever seen and so many colourful flowers... It’s the perfect landscape. Dean and you are just holding hands at the shore while watching the sun set.

As the sun slowly sets, the water and the sky turn their colour into a mixture of red, orange, pink and a little yellow and purple. It looks so unrealistic because it's so perfect.

“Kiss me” you say to Dean and step closer to him so that your bodies are touching.

“That little girls kisses shapeshifters?” Dean says suddenly with the same mischievous grin the shapeshifter had when he was about to kill you!

 

Out of panic you breathe heavily as his big hands grip you and it feels so damn real! What’s happening?

You scream and open your eyes. The dream or nightmare must be over now!!

You feel a hand covering your mouth so that you are unable to cry. Your eyes are wide opened and your chest is heaving really fast...

 

“Hey, ______. Everything is okay! Just calm down. And please stop screaming!” Dean says gently and puts his hand away.Your heart skips so fast and so loud that you wonder if he can hear it.

“I had a nightmare” you say, when you calmed down. Finally, you’re able to speak.

“I guess so.” Dean says “But you are safe, here.” He wants to comfort you and brushes gently over your cheek. However, it doesn’t work that well. You have to shiver and don’t really feel comfortable.

“I know that it was just a dream but it felt so real! And you really startled me.” You say and force a smile.

“Sorry. This wasn’t my intention.” He says smiling.

 

The two of you climb out of the car and walk into the living room. You felt so hungry before but now you don’t. You just wish to sleep.

“I think I really need to get some sleep after this shock.” You say.

“Good night, then.” Dean says.

“Good night, Dean.” You answer him.

 

You don’t go to the bathroom but straight to your room. You toss your clothes into the corner and put your sleeping shirt and sweat pants on.

Did you hurt him by saying that you rather go to sleep than staying awake spending some time with him? He will understand it... Hopefully.

You let yourself drop onto your bed and keep eying the ceiling until sleep takes over you. Tonight’s dream is the same as the dream you had in the Impala except that this time it was even more horrible!

You wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, breathing hard and your pillow is wet because of tears. You cried while sleeping?! You never did anything like this before. You actually never had terrible nightmares. Sometimes when you don’t feel well you can’t remember what you dreamt... Anyway, this is much more terrible. The worst thing is that it feels so real!

Before you try to sleep again you need to drink some water.

 

You leave your bedroom faster than necessary. You pretend that your nightmares are over, when you leave your room. Stupid idea... It just came into your mind...

You walk over to the kitchen and take a glass out of the cupboard. You drink some water and lean hard into the sink.

You need to relax. You count to three and try to breathe in a normal or rather slow, constant rhythm.

 

“_______?” Dean asks.

“Hey, I didn’t know that you’re still awake.” You say.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

“Yes. I am.” You respond and force a smile.

“I know that this is a forced smile. You don’t feel fine. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it...” he says.

“Today, when I was face to face with this shapeshifter... I thought that every breath I take could be the last one. I was so afraid. I know that I should be strong. I wasn’t. I was afraid...” you say and sob. You try to prevent tears from streaming down your face. You’ve already been weak enough. You don’t need this to happen...

“Hey, you won’t die at least as long as I’m alive. I will never let anyone kill you...”

“I always do such reckless, stupid things. You can’t safe me all the time. I’m a wreck. I can’t even sleep without nightmares...” you say.

“That’s not your fault. You went through lots of things. You are stronger than most people.” Dean says and brushes gently over your cheek.

"Dean?"

“Yes?”

“I’m not drunk.”

“I know that you’re not drunk. What do you...” you interrupt him by kissing his full pink lips.

You just seized the moment, stood on tippy toes and leaned in to kiss him. His lips are warm and gentle and they feel so hot against yours.

You part the kiss to whisper “No one ever said something like this to me. Something beautiful.”

 

Dean smiles and kisses you once again. This time it’s more heated and feverish. You give him access to your mouth and his tongue is wrapped around yours. You love the way he moves, how he tastes. Sparks are flying everywhere.

Dean’s hands wander down to your ass and he squeezes you gently. You tangle your legs around his waist and enjoy the delicate friction. You feel warm and wet between your legs.

The two of you keep kissing until your lungs scream for air.

 

Dean walks you over to your room. He’s so strong and it even feels so much better no that you’re sober. He lays you gently onto your bed.

“I thought we would take it slow.” You say, grinning. Why did you say this? You don’t want him to stop!

“If you want to.” He says.

“I just decided that there’s no need to take it slow.” You say laughing.

Dean leans over you and the two of you start kissing again. Lustful, hungry kisses are shared between the two of you until his lips wander slowly to your neck. His warm, wet breath against your sensitive skin makes you wet between your legs. You moan and let out sweet cries. You missed him kissing you this way.

In a few seconds every piece of cloth is removed and Dean kisses slowly down your stomach while you touch his delicate chest and muscles. Then he places gentle kisses on your stomach moving down a path to your clit. You groan as he kisses you forcefully on this sensitive spot. His tongue brushes slowly through your wet folds. You grip the bed sheet tightly and your toes curl.

How does he manage to make you feel so good with just one movement?

You tangle your fingers in his short hair and Dean starts moving his tongue faster up and down teasing your entrance. Finally, he pushes his tongue forward and your head kicks back in response.

Oh, it feels so good! You moan and scream his name even if it’s hard to say anything. This feelings are overwhelming. Anyway, his tongue is quickly replaced by two fingers pumping into you in a delicate pace. He curls them up and moves faster and faster.

You feel your walls tightening and that familiar coil building! It won’t take you long to cum at his fingers. With every time he pumps into you he manages to hit this sweet spot and finally your orgasm hits you hard. Your back arches and you are a mess of screams, moans and groans. He helps you through your orgasm until you finally lay back to calm down from this high.

“Dean” you gasp as you manage to speak again.

“Yeah?”

“You can make me forget anything by doing this... You are gorgeous!” you say and kiss him onto his forehead.

“If you feel like another round...” he starts his sentence until you interrupt him by saying “Yes!”. Before he could do anything you take his hard member with both hands and start rubbing his cock. He seems to like it and you take the leaking tip into your mouth. You lick along the slit and as you are about to take him completely in Dean says “I don’t want to come at your mouth. I want to come inside you”.

He doesn’t need to say it twice and you let him take the lead. You are pressed against the mattress as Dean heaves over you. His cock is pressed against your still wet entrance and he slowly puts it in.

Both of you let out a groan and as he slowly starts moving you add moans, growls and soft cries. It feels so good! How could you survive without this for so long?

He moves faster and faster and you got closer and closer to your orgasm. The moans get louder and you let go of yourself and feel it again. Your orgasm hit you hard and you ride it out with Dean.

Eventually, your sweaty bodies are lying next to each other and you breathe heavily.

 

After a little moment you lay your head onto Dean’s chest and whisper “Good night.”

“Good night.” He repeats and places a gentle kiss onto your forehead.

You move your leg so that it’s between his and put one of your hands on his chest where you draw sweet little patterns.

 

This time you don’t have a nightmare. You sleep calmly, while listening to his steady heartbeat. You feel warm, safe and even more important, you feel loved.

Dean and you? Is it going to work out this time? At the moment it seems to do so.

Maybe you just have to give it a try and start over again.

 

 

_Come up to meet you,_

_tell you I'm sorry_

_You don't know how lovely you are_

 

_I had to find you,_

_tell you I need you_

_Tell you I set you apart_

 

_Tell me your secrets_

_and ask me your questions_

_Oh, let's go back to the start_

 

_Running in circles,_

_coming up tails_

_Heads on a science apart_

 

_Nobody said it was easy_

_It's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be this hard_

_Oh, take me back to the start_

 

_I was just guessing_

_at numbers and figures_

_Pulling the puzzles apart_

 

_Questions of science,_

_science and progress_

_Do not speak as loud as my heart_

 

_But tell me you love me,_

_come back and haunt me_

_Oh and I rush to the start_

 

_Running in circles,_

_chasing our tails_

_Coming back as we are_

 

_Nobody said it was easy_

_Oh, it's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be so hard_

_I'm going back to the start_

 

 

It's true ,just like the song "The Scientist" by Coldplay says, nobody said that it was easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of this fanfiction ;-) I hope you enjoyed reading it.


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